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"Well,
when you assume, guess what you just did?" - Scott Andrews,
Founder
We all know the classic amusing explanation of why you should not assume,
because it makes an "A* * of U and Me", but assumptions can be
much more serious. An assumption can make way for hurt feelings,
misconceptions, and resentments. When we make assumptions we completely
de-emphasize another person's feelings for the sake of filling in the
blanks that exist in our own minds. |
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Why do we make assumptions?
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Why do we make assumptions? Assumptions occur when we do not have a clear
picture of what the other person is trying to say, or when we do not
understand their actions. How can we eliminate the need to make
assumptions? The answer is, by fully listening and asking questions. The
average person does not "fully" listen when they are being
spoken to. They are thinking of what they want to say next, what must be
done, the task that they were performing before the person interrupted
them, or a multitude of other things. But the fact remains, that they are
not fully engaged in a conversation. I'm going to use a classic cliché.
The husband is watching a football game on television; his wife walks in
and decides to hold a conversation with him. He "Yes Dear's"
her, but in reality his attention is on the game and he has not heard a
single word she has said. She realizes that he is not paying her any
attention and walks away upset. He was clearly NOT fully engaged in their
conversation. He could have asked her nicely to speak with him after the
game, he also could have taken his attention away from the game by turning
it off for the duration of their conversation, or his wife could have
waited to approach him until after the game. Any of these solutions would
have helped them avoid hurt feelings.
Why are questions important? Questions allow us to eliminate the
assumptions. But if we are not fully listening, we will not know the right
questions to ask. Questions help clear up any miscommunication. With all
of our differences, it is no wonder that what we mean and what we say may
not be what someone else hears. A simple, "Do you mean...?"
could help a great deal. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Questions let
others know that we really were paying attention while they were speaking.
Everyone likes to feel as though they are being valued. One little
question could make all the difference in someone's day.
4 Tips for a Fully Engaged Conversation Free from Assumptions:
- Just Listen
- Don't think of possible responses or questions while the person is
speaking. Don't interrupt. Never interrupt while they are speaking and
don't try to solve the problem until they are done detailing it.
- Be Loving
- Don't pass judgment. Listen with love and acceptance. An opinion or
behavior that is different is what makes each of us unique.
- Be Available
- Be fully present with your whole heart, mind and spirit. If you cannot
do this, wait until you can. You will both benefit.
- Ask Questions
- Once you have finished listening, ask questions to make sure you fully
understand the situation. If you "think" that you understand,
ask questions until you "know" that you do.
This week, take note of your conversations and see how well you fully
listen. Make it a point to only listen when you can be fully engaged, and
re-schedule conversations if you have to. Determine if you are asking
enough questions to overcome the natural need within to make assumptions.
Your conversations will have much more meaning to both participants. You
will have all of the information necessary to offer help or advice, and
the person that you are conversing with will feel that they were important
enough to you to have your full attention. It will be a mutually
enlightened conversation.
Additional perspectives on
asking clarifying questions can be found at:
How To Stop
Fights and Love More: The Power of Clarifying Questions
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
______________________________________________________
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We
welcome your comments and success stories around finding true love and making
love more fun and abundant (feedback).
Scott Andrews is a life coach, business consultant, and
CEO/Founder of AspireNow (www.AspireNow.com),
a site helping people realize their business and personal aspirations. He
is a speaker and the author of numerous articles and workbooks on business
success, life purpose, smooth sailing relationships, and creating
abundant lifestyles. He launched the first interactive self-help program
on the Net, called the AspireNow Advisor.
See
similar articles in Smooth Sailing
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