What's going on? In the course of decades people have moved from
holding marriage sacred to rebelling and treating marriage (and divorce)
as serious as buying and selling a house. Over fifty-five percent of
first time marriages and over seventy percent of second marriages end in
divorce. Not to mention, the high percentages of relationships, in
general, which don't pan out. The problem with most romantic
relationships is that you usually start the
thing off on the wrong footing. That footing is called "lust".
This footing is the foundation of your relationship future.
A foundation built upon weak ground, or on the wrong type of ground,
will end up washing away in the next storm. That's not good, if you're
looking to build something substantial. Lust is akin to fool's gold.
There's a reason Johnny Mercer and Rube Bloom penned a song called
"Fools Rush In," about how fools rush in where wise men never
go, because fool's rush for the shiny glitter of lust and
physical attraction. Real gold is not easy to find. Real gold may be
buried deep in a hill. Or, real gold may require days of sifting through heavy
rocks and pans in a river to pan it out. I know this because I've gone
gold-panning with my Dad, who used to dredge for gold along the Yuba
river every year during the summer. He was happy when he returned from a two-week
excursion gold-panning if he had a half a vial full of gold flakes. And
you've got no idea how hard he worked for that little vial of flakes
unless you've ever manned a dredge or panned for gold. What was that
vial worth? Often, less than $300.00. He often learned that people would
make a lot more and get a bigger "hit" on the vein of gold
he'd find, when they moved into his dredging spot after he left to
return home.
Getting a return on gold digging requires a commitment to location, with
consistent committed action. In fact, precious gold
usually requires labor, commitment, and dedication to the cause of
finding and building upon the success of finding that gold. Precious
gold is much like true love in that consistent committed action to your
cause will produce the results you seek. Fool's gold, on the other hand,
can be found everywhere, is cheap (and worthless), and leaves you with
the similar satisfaction as the relationship built upon lust.
So, the burning issue is, how can you know you're building your
relationship "house" on solid ground, rather than quicksand?
The
reason you get into wrong footing is because you "cowboy up!" What I mean
is that when it looks like a good time to RUN and get out of there, you
instead act tough or succumb to the desires of your lustful nature. This
may be out of pure physical desire, insecurity, or general loneliness.
In any event, when you feel an urge to "cowboy up," that is a very good
time to take a step away and apply patience into your situation.
So,
when is it good, and when is it bad, to move forward?
First,
solid relationships start with spiritual synchronicity. A good question
to ask a friend is, "how is your devotional time been lately?"
That is true friendship. You're inquiring into the status of their
personal relationship with their creator or into the status of their spiritual practice.
That question will produce interesting answers. The same is true in dating. If we cannot
ask such questions, how can we possibly have TRUST in making love?
It
is so easy to get horny and jump into relationships, but what happens
when things go wrong? And how easy is it to extricate yourself from a
relationship once you're intimate? Yes, it is much harder. Wouldn't it
be wiser to know, going in, that you CAN trust each other?
Trust
begins and ends with spiritual synchronicity.
Second,
we can build upon a relationship when we feel safe. Is your new hopeful
partner displaying signs of instability? Can they hold a job? What type
of job is it? Are they on purpose? Do they do what they say they're
going to do? What type of ability in holding to commitments do they
demonstrate? Do they demonstrate psychological stability? If
you're saying yes, you have safety. No means you don't and therefore are
risking your safety (and trust, or your ability to build true love).
If
you want to be trusted, then you need to display safety to your partner.
Drive courteously when they are in the car with you. Walk on the side of
the street that protects them. Let them know they can share feelings
with you by keeping confidence. Control your anger. Manage or get help
for any psychological patterns that weaken your ability to allow your
partner to feel comfortable with you. All of these types of behaviors will
build your safety. And, when there is safety, love may bloom.
Third,
what do your friends and family say about your relationship? In
America, people have the whole process backwards when it comes to
meeting their mate. In other countries, they have an extremely different
approach when parents arrange marriages. Here, the partners often match
up and make love before a family member meets either one of you. The
healthiest relationships are generally blessed by family and
friends. Why not get their blessings BEFORE getting involved
physically? And, if you don't have their blessings, perhaps it would be
wise to not go there (and avoid the pain in giving away a piece of your
heart when you know it won't work out).
So,
what do your closest, most trusted friends and family members say about
your new partner? Are they supportive? Or, do they suggest you might do
better with someone else?
Last,
what does your own intuition say about the relationship? Eric Wildey, a
friend of mine, recently said that if you're questioning whether or not
to get deeply involved, ask yourself two questions:
1.
What about them makes you love them so much?
2.
If one of your best friends were to introduce you to a partner with
similar or identical qualities as this person you've been seeing, what
would your advice be to them?
These
questions show considerable insight into your own intuition. First of
all, when you are asked question number one, if you cannot list off many
accolades at the tip of your tongue, something is amiss. So, pay
attention to those responses. Second, if you wouldn't introduce this
person to a close friend, or if you'd tell a friend to "RUN"
the other way, then why on Earth are you getting serious with them? Your
intuition is telling you to get out of there.
When
you look at these questions, and especially if you are feeling doubts,
this is not the time to "cowboy up." Rather, it is time to
wait, and see how this relationship will grow over many seasons. You
will learn much about your partner when hardship arrives. How do they
respond? The questions that face you throughout your life,
such as:
"Can
they be trusted not to cheat on you when times get rough?"
"Will
they be there if you get sick?"
"Will
they treat you with respect and adoration even after fifteen years of
marriage?"
"How will
the two of you handle adversity?"
"Will
you still feel they are your best friend if you had a big fight?"
"Do
their values conflict with your values?"
You
need to know the answers to these questions prior to getting deeply
involved, unless you want to experience hurt and loss down the
road.
The
lyrics to the first verse of "Fool's Rush In," which Frank
Sinatra sang with the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra, illustrate someone chasing
lust (fool's gold):
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
And so I come to you, my love, my heart above my head
Though I see the danger there
If there’s a chance for me then I don’t care
Fools rush in where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love so how are they to know
When we met I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let this fool rush in..."
See, the guy who wrote
this song was singing of lust, not of love. His approach is to
"cowboy up" -- with his heart ruling his decisions, instead of
his head. There's little doubt in my mind that
this fool will get that big ole' heart of his broken. After all, if
angels fear to go there, why would YOU want to go there? Angels are our
guides, right? What
does your head tell you about your potential partner when you ask the four questions about (a)
spiritual synchronicity, (b) protection and safety, (c) family and
friends, and (d) your own intuition questions?
One
other question that arises from these lyrics is, "If your life
didn't begin before you met your new love, why didn't it?" Two
birds with wounded wings fly much worse together than two happy birds
with healthy wings. So, if you relate and feel like you're nothing
unless you have a mate, perhaps you might look at your life purpose and
see how you can improve your own life BEFORE getting involved with a
partner. We have considerable information, workbooks,
and audio programs on Life Purpose at
AspireNow to guide you through creating a life you
love.
Now,
if you just want to play and have fun, that's one thing. But if you're
interested in building a relationship for the long term future, then dig
for gold, not fool's gold. There
is no reason for your next relationship to end up as another statistic
-- if you follow a wise approach to dating. So,
next time you find yourself with an urge to "cowboy up" and
"rush in" for that fool's gold, with your "heart over
head" ruling your dating process, remember that mining real gold requires real values:
commitment, time, dedication, work, and loyalty. It also requires
experience knowing where to dig and mine for that gold. Hopefully this
article will serve as your personal treasure map to guide you to digging
the relationship
gold you seek.
