Do you want to learn what
they are?
We
all have disagreements in our relationships. However, the barometer of
relationship success is not whether or not we disagree, but how we handle our
disagreements.
If
we are unsuccessful at resolving a conflict in our relationship, then there is a
possibility the conflict will arise again. Our conflicts are either
solvable or perpetual. And, with proper conflict management, even
perpetual conflicts can be resolved to create a healthy relationship.
It might help to take
into account Dale Carnegie's advice: "You can't win an
argument," because even when you win, you lose. "The only way to get
the best of an argument," he said, "is to avoid it."
What about when you are
absolutely certain that you are right and the other person is wrong? The advice
still holds.
Although you might not
know it as you savor your moment of triumph, you often do your personal cause
more harm by winning an emotional argument than by losing it. Who was it that
said, "A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion
still?"
Perhaps we seek utopia
to think we'll never argue. So this article focuses on when we have a
disagreement, HOW do we handle ourselves to maintain our love, respect, and
trust.
When
we go through a disagreement with our partner, how do we handle ourselves?
According
to leading relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., a harsh startup and the
presence of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' -- criticism, contempt
(sarcasm), defensiveness, and stonewalling -- often spell the doom of any
attempt to resolve a conflict.
Gottman
says:
"Softening
the startup is crucial to resolving conflicts because, my research finds,
discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. That's why 96
percent of the time I can predict the fate of a conflict discussion in the
first three minutes! If you start an argument harshly -- meaning you
attack your spouse verbally -- you'll end up with at least as much tension as
you began. But if you use a softened startup -- meaning you complain but
don't criticize or otherwise attack your spouse -- the discussion is likely to
be productive. And, if most of your arguments start softly, your
marriage is likely to be stable and happy."1
All
is well that ends well? Actually, no. In a conflict, the key is not
nearly so much the ending (whether we make up or not) but in the
BEGINNING. How do we approach our partner? If the startup is harsh,
by accusation, rolling eyes, a snappy comment, etc., well, then our odds for
success are about 4%.
On
the other hand, if the startup is kind, accepting, compassionate, and caring,
our odds of successful conflict resolution change to 96% (see more on acceptance
in our How To Build Trust
article).
So,
to avoid or minimize conflict up front (and nip it in the bud, so to speak),
simply avoid harsh startups!
Nobody
is perfect, so we might blow the startup on occasion. We then may find
ourselves in an argument or fight. Tensions escalate, blood pressure rises,
and each person's demand to be heard, validated, or "right" increases
to where it is hard to hear each other's position anymore. Not much gets
accomplished when this happens. Therefore, we should change our objective
in this state from being heard, respected, appreciated, or validated to a state
of wanting to make-up. Because, only through making up can we be
heard, respected, appreciated, and validated.
Making
up is an essential skill for relationship success. So, how do we make up?
Here
are some guidelines to help you make up:
1.
Avoid criticism and sarcasm. Criticism and sarcasm do nothing to help us
make up. These "Jurassic" communication tactics end up making our
partner feel torn up and disrespected. Try to voice the concern as a
complaint, rather than criticism.
2.
Avoid being defensive. If we feel criticized or receive a complaint, it is
often natural to respond defensively. Sometimes, it is best to avoid the
defensiveness. In place of being defensive, I've come up with a concept of
asking what I call "the clarification question." Asking a
clarification question, "what do you mean by this?" may help our
partner be heard, rather than in an argumentative state by defending our
position. Lists of rights and wrongs do nothing to resolve conflicts.
3.
Validate. No running away (out of the room) or stonewalling.
Validate your partner by staying in there with a commitment to work it
out. Stay there - don't run out and don't go silent. Neither form of
distancing resolves the conflict. Distancing is also a sign that one or
both of you are not ready to make up yet. Be very careful of the
"silent treatment," which is a form of verbal abuse. This is why
the proverb "don't let the sun go down on your anger" is so often
quoted - staying in until the problem is resolved is respectful and
healthy. Stonewalling or just avoiding the issue is not respectful to our
partner. How can a partner know what we are thinking or how can we be
loving if one person stonewalls the other?
4.
Time out. Know when to take "time out." When voices are
raised, yelling occurs, or other signs of overreaction to the problem start,
this is a good time to take "time out." Rather than distance or
withdraw, ask for a limited time out. "Time out" is healthy, as
it can allow us to cool off a little. I like the idea of keeping time outs
limited to a time, about five to fifteen minutes -- certainly no longer than
thirty minutes. It is unhealthy to leave a partner festering for hours
(the other partner will be hurt by this silent treatment).
It
is good to state the intention of a time out prior to walking out, so that
communication is clear. It is also useful for both people to respect this
request, and let the partner have time to clear their mind and remember that
love, respect, and intention to be happy are the keys to getting along, not in
being right in this fight. Also, at the end of time-out, both come back
together with the intent to make-up, by saying something loving and nice and
appreciative about their partner first thing. This gets back to the
concept of soft startup for successful resolution of the conflict.
5.
Fight fair: show respect to your partner. During any conflict, show
appreciation, use kind and caring words, and give them a loving touch.
Avoid put-downs, demands, telling them how you always do this and they never do
that, or cussing (either at them or in the situation). If a tree is a
healthy tree, then the tree bears good fruit. We must make sure, even in
anger or frustration, that our words and speech are not a source of further
inflammation.
The
keys to being "fair" in communicating respectful disagreement are:
a. give benefit of the doubt - no accusations or false assumptions
b. be kind and nice - no cussing
c. stay in - no withdrawal/stonewalling (use healthy time outs)
d. present issue only - no bringing up the past
e. be honest and truthful - no lying or covering up
f. stay centered - don't skip from issue to issue or pull things out of
context
g. stay calm - breathe, and avoid raising your voice
h. keep commitments - don't justify actions by anger or pain
i. communicate your needs - your partner isn't a mind-reader
j. be respectful of deeper issues - don't push hot buttons
k. allow clarification - if partner says "I didn't mean that"
believe them
6.
Send a love signal. No matter how upset we are, our love must overcome the
anger or frustration. Since we blew this at soft startup, there is still
an opportunity to demonstrate that our love is what matters most. A love
signal can be saying "I love you" or giving a soft touch on the
arm. It may also be writing a little note. Any number of creative
ideas could be used in how to send a love signal. If you feel you cannot
say or do something loving, then a fifteen minute time-out is in order.
Also, it is important to save the physical signs of making up, such as hugs,
kisses, or making love until you've both been heard and the issue is
resolved. This enables you to make sure you haven't swept the issue under
the rug for a future blow-up.
7.
Interrupt your homeostasis. When we are in a "fight" mode, we
often are not thinking logically. This is a time when one partner can make
a goofy face, make a silly joke, or do something goofy to help lighten the mood
or at least show that this fight is not the end of the world. After all,
will it matter a year from now? Probably not. Interrupting the
need to feel heard at all costs is useful to help minimize the severity of
feelings in the fight and can help resolve the situation. It is important
to not make light of the issue, and come back after making the face with a
sincere desire to understand what upset our partner.
8.
Get clear. What is the fight about? Are you sure you have all the
facts? Let's see, we got our feelings hurt. Most fights are not
about facts, they are about feelings caused by our opinions. Sure, we may
have our "side" of the story, which is built upon our unique version
of the facts. But, in every situation, there are two sides, and therefore,
those facts are more than likely subjective. If we've made some
assumptions, then perhaps we need to ask a clarifying question or two and make
sure we're not jumping to conclusions. In asking the clarifying question,
be sure to use a soft start, rather than harsh. Once we've come to the
conclusion that perhaps our partner didn't mean to hurt our feelings or
disrespect us, we should just let the issue go. Why fight when we can love
instead?
No
matter how smart we are, almost all of us make false assumptions. Letting
go of false assumptions is a key to resolving any argument.
9.
What did "I" do? Remove focus on their behavior. What did
I do to help create this? If I said or did anything to help create the
situation, then I need to recognize this, and give my partner credit or
apologize for my actions or statements. If I acknowledge my part, it is
highly likely my partner will acknowledge theirs. This is even true if
they did something to upset us first, and then we said something hurtful in
response. There is never any justification for saying or doing anything
hurtful to those we love, whether we were lashing back or not.
10.
Listen, and know when to say "I'm sorry." Try not to say
"sorry" until we can be sure we've identified the issues creating the
pain, anger, or vulnerability. Once we've nurtured each other's needs
(validation) we will have a better chance of having our "sorry" mean
something.
11.
Gain clarity. By clearly stating that we recognize we're in disagreement,
but would like to understand all the details so we can make up, we then give
each space and respect to do that. Once we have both been heard, we can
then ask, "do you feel this is resolved for you?" If the answer
is "yes", then you've got a green light to hug, kiss, and
make-up. It is important to reaffirm your love for each other, verbally
and physically, to demonstrate the make-up and reaffirm the trust in your love.
This
last step enables you to reconnect and build a deeper bond as a result of
resolving the conflict. Enjoy your love, make love, and be happy -- you've
built a stronger relationship and now have deeper love and stronger trust in
your ability to resolve conflicts. You've also shown that you are a team
and nothing will come between you.
Congratulations,
you did it! Successful conflict resolution is truly rewarding.
If
you blew it, well, go back, start again at the beginning, and try again.
It is never too late to say "I am sorry" or "I love
you." If your partner apologizes, consider their motive and if you
still have that love for them, then try forgiveness. With forgiveness
comes release of frustration, anger, hurt, and pain, and opens the door to love
again.
Recurring
disagreements: how to recognize negative bonding patterns and how to break
free of them.
Recognize if you have entered into a negative bonding pattern. A negative
bonding pattern is recognizable by frequent fights about the same things that
never get resolved, and fights that are tearing apart your relationship when you
really just want to love each other. Signs of negative bonding are:
high blood pressure or anxiety, fear or being scared, a feeling of walking on
eggshells, and a habit of harsh startups.
Breaking
free of a negative bonding pattern goes beyond conflict resolution. Here
are the keys to breaking the negative pattern:
1.
Create awareness of what happened. Do NOT analyze the "rights"
and "wrongs" of the exchange. This creates feelings of judgment
(not acceptance, which is what you really need to build trust and respect back
into your relationship). Also, the list of rights and wrongs reinforce the
negative bonding pattern.
2.
Owning your own pain and vulnerability. Our issues are not our partner's
issues. We must own our pain. What is this fight coming from?
Is this from a way we were treated in our past? Is this from an
expectation we have that might be unrealistic at this point in time?
Dealing with our own pain (anger, hurt, frustration, fear) is the ONLY way to
get out of a negative bonding pattern.
3.
Both partners must commit to showing love, as they are owning their pain and
dealing with it. Also, logic and reason do not resolve negative bonding
patterns. Logic and reason reinforce the he said/she said problem and
create more judgment. What is needed is acceptance. We both have our
unique hurts and past. Acknowledging is a way to ending the negative
pattern. Acknowledging, accepting, and then moving beyond the fear to the
reward that awaits us is the way of love.
4.
Staying in the pattern and struggling to make it get better is like trying to
run in quicksand. The struggle just makes it harder to get out.
Being aware of the situation and acknowledging this awareness is a path out of
the quicksand. Even saying "I was in a negative bonding
pattern," will likely help you out of it. Then, we need to start
practicing the conflict resolution methods (above) that DO work.
Remember,
go easy on your partner, they are likely as hurt from the negative pattern as
you are. The way to healing comes from faith, love, trust, and
respect. Offer your partner these, and your hope will return to you.
One last word, revised in 2007: if
you can't get along, maybe it's time to end it. If you've had a pattern of
fighting and breaking up over and over again that's gone on for more than six
months, you're likely in a relationship that will never get much more resolved
than where you are right now. Consider this: I've seen and personally
experienced the stress, challenge, and difficulty of being in one of these types
of relationships. It wasn't fun. And, nope, it never got better. I was best off
to just get out, and try all these techniques in my NEXT relationship, which
frankly, was much more enjoyable, even if a slight less passionate. It's worth
the trade-off, trust me.
So, if you're following these
steps, and just can't get along and make up, perhaps you might consider the
alternative. I wish you love. Love is always the answer, when it comes to
relationships.
1
Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work, 26-27, 161. Three Rivers Press. 1999.
Please
note: although the author of this article provides coaching on relationships to numerous
people; however, the author is not certified as a licensed
psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your situation
dictates.
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