However, imagine the possibility to create change in these exact same instances, with a different communication approach:

"Honey, I realize you have some needs here, such as having me talk with you a certain way, I am a little stressed when you bring up this issue at this particular time, though..."

"Sweetheart, I can see that you have some things you want to do, and they are important to you.  We did want to be at dinner by 7:30pm, though, didn't we?  Would it be okay to do that later so we can keep our schedule?  I'd appreciate it."

"Baby, did you clean my clothes for me?  Thank you!  I really appreciate all you do, and the hard work you did today.  Can you tell me where they might be, or do you think I just misplaced them?  How can I make this easier for you in the future?"

"Love, I know we've discussed this item before.  This is important to me.  If in the future you could just consider my own needs I will be happy to help you with this issue."

"I can see that you are meditating/relaxing.  I know we said we have much to do today, but would you like some space for a little bit?"

"Honey, I love sleeping with you.  I also like coming home to a nicely made bed.  I'm in a hurry today, can you help me out by making the bed?"

"Hi baby, I see you're really into this game.  Want me to watch it with you or can you come join me in the bedroom when it is over?"

"You know, sweetheart, you have a really unique perspective on this situation.  There is another perspective that I noticed, would you like for me to share it with you?"

These statements are far more loving, express appreciation, respect, and terms of endearment, and show an active part in the problem. After all, we are in relationships to relate, right?  The difference is that it takes a little more time to be accepting, and show some terms of endearment, and this is not easy when it is an item that is our own personal pet peeve. But our pet peeves are frequently not our partner's pet peeves. They will not hear us and will actually feel invalidated if we try to push our pet peeves onto them with harsh communication!  Instead, using the path love, acceptance, and care builds the trust and relationship we seek. Also, by not making accusations (I statements instead of you questions or statements) we build considerably more trust.

In reading these, which did you feel more comfortable hearing? Were there any issues you felt particular relative to your own relationship? If so, try approaching with appreciation, acknowledgement, respect, and caring communications to show how much you accept your partner, prior to suggesting change, and see how much your trust in each other grows.

Please note:  the author of this article is not certified as a licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your situation dictates.

___________________________________________________________________________