The
reasons may or may not be helping us grow and move forward in our personal
development. By recognizing the cycle of destruction in sabotaging
relationships, we can identify the problem, rather than the symptom, and begin
to move forward.
It
is possible to have a healthy, happy
relationship. It is possible for each of us to have a true "soul mate"
relationship, too.
How
can we break the sabotage pattern?
1.
Recognize our current partner is unique.
By noticing how our
partner is valuable to us, and showing appreciation for this, rather than
focusing on how they are different (or not ideal for us), we shift focus and
enable the relationship to be healthy.
2.
Open up to commitment. Sometimes WE are our own worst enemy
in our relationships. We are afraid of getting hurt again or
disappointing other people or living beneath our ideal relationship standard. Perhaps, by removing expectation, we can simply allow
ourselves to enjoy the moment. It also helps if we are focused on one
person at a time - this enables us to truly get to know one person without
confusing another person's feelings, energy, or heart into the scene.
Emotional intimacy is a key to building a successful relationship. How are
you creating emotional intimacy? What rules or attitudes do you have that
PREVENT BOTH of you from feeling intimate and safe in your relationship?
If you can answer this question (ask your partner, too, as you might make
assumptions) then you can likely break down the barriers holding you back from
the love you seek.
3.
Be alert to "baiting" each other with relationship verbal hooks. I've found that many of the
tactics between people could be described as "baiting" -- literally
wreaking havoc with our emotions because the end result is only likely to get
the other person upset. This is when we say something just to get a
reaction out of our partner - also called "pushing their
buttons." We know we're doing it and can stop if we pay attention to
this sabotage tactic. Just as fighting fair is critical to relationship
success, pushing buttons and setting traps for our partner is equally
devastating to relationship success.
4.
Spend more time talking, honestly, about our observations.
Open
communication does not mean saying every little thing on your mind. No, I
believe that editing our thoughts can be healthy. What we need is safety,
in knowing that we can share our heart, share our concerns, and it will be
heard. The ability to have the safety in knowing we can share without our
information being used against us is highly important. Also, being valued
and respected for our unique perspective is also valuable to create a healthy
communication zone. Last, empowering each other by putting listening with
all of our mind and heart first, will create an empowerment that our partner can
trust our support is as solid as a rock.
If we've tried everything else and we're still sabotaging
a current relationship, we may need to end it and move on. It may sound obvious,
but sometimes it is the only way to get out of a negative cycle.
Sometimes, a partner may just be abusive. In this case, we've got to stop
and ask ourselves, "is this worth it?" I consider this a last
resort. If you still have deep feelings of love, and you have not tried
truly listening, respecting, and focusing on the positive - in other words,
making every act you do an act of good will, then perhaps you have not tried
everything. Consider this before breaking up, as often times the value in
working things out creates a stronger bond.
We believe many people
start to sabotage when they're just scared of commitment. Examine: is
this you? Perhaps it is time to go to a higher level and transcend
sabotage and instead focus on true spiritual needs than can and will be
met through true spiritual synchronicity. This happens when you fully
open your heart, soul, and mind to your spouse or partner. Blessings to
you in this journey!
