How
many people do what they say they're going to do?
How
often do people flake, "forget," or find other ways to break their
commitments, as early signs of how they might be as a "dating
partner?" How many divorces are signals of a commitment gone haywire? Over 50% of divorces cite "irreconcilable differences" as cause for
divorce. Not less than 100 years ago, it was taboo to divorce without a
really good reason, such as infidelity, abuse, drug problems, or other more
accepted reasons to flee a commitment. Irreconcilable differences wasn't
common practice then, as it is today.
Doesn't
the expression "irreconcilable differences" sound like a cop-out?
I mean, how many people, when they really put aside selfish intention, can't get
along at least to a point with another person? Of course, the problems
today are equal for men and women, even if they are different in nature.
A
common complaint I recently saw in a humorous greeting card showed a classroom
of empty chairs, with the caption: "Annual conference of eligible bachelors
ready to commit," which indicates a feeling among women is that the man
they seek is commit-a-phobic. Yet, is it better to be slow to commit, but
sure to deliver than quick to commit and a failure to keep that commitment?
I personally think that commitments matter. I hope to keep the commitments
I make to others and live from a position of integrity, rather than lies,
falsities, and broken words. You know, to make my "yes" mean
"yes" and my "no" mean "no."
For
those who might feel I am moralizing, well, is this because you feel that your
own words have failed to ring true through your actions? If so, let me ask
you, who is the stronger person, the person who does what they say they will do
or the person who doesn't?
I
don't need to moralize. Other teachers thousands of years before me have
already said it For example, Jesus once told a story about a man who gave
a task to two of his servants. One servant said he would do the task, but did
not. The other said he would not do the task, but in the end completed the task. Jesus asked his disciples "which servant made his master most happy?
That's right, the one who did what the master requested." There is a
saying in professional sales, to "under- commit and over- deliver" --
the reason is that you create fewer disappointments and more feelings of
goodwill by doing more than you say you will.
Why
can't it be the same for our relationships?
Actions speak louder than words is
a valuable cliché, in this instance. It is what we do, more than what we say,
that matters, in the end. I was married in the early 90's. My wife made a
commitment to me, and, frankly, broke it. Isn't
"to have and to hold, through sickness and in health, for all the days of
my life, so help me God" a commitment before friends, God, family, supposed
to MEAN something? Or, how about, "yes, I will see you Thursday at
7:00 p.m." to mean that I'll see you Thursday at 7:00 p.m., barring an act
of God? Is it wrong to hope that people will show us the respect of doing
what they say they want to do? Broken commitments end up damaging our
relationships.
Why
is it so difficult to live by our commitments?
It
often starts from first contact. Several of my friends recently have shared with
me how people have "flaked" out on their scheduled dates. Yes,
something as simple as a first or second date will get cancelled just moments
before the engagement was to begin. Imagine having someone flake out twice
in a week, after rescheduling once the week before that. Imagine when you
call them, instead of an apology, they launch into an excuse-laden "Oh my God,
I'm so sorry, I've been so busy, I lost your number, if you saw my car you'd
have a heart attack, I did think about you, but we didn't really have a date
scheduled." (although we did) This happened to me once. It was all a big pile of
"blah, blah, blah, excuses that had little meaning as to showing respect for me
or building any form of trust with me, considering this was a new situation.
Frankly, I find the practice of scheduling a date and then canceling it moments
before (or worse yet, not even calling at all) a bit disturbing.
Why?
Because it indicates a basic lack of integrity, backbone, and ability to do what
you say. If you can't keep a date, how the heck would I ever have TRUST to
know you would not break a marriage vow? Right, I won't. Well,
it goes the same for all of us. Therefore, the odds of forming any sort of
"real" relationship with a person who behaves in this manner is
basically nil, because there is no trust built from disrespectful communication.
You can always tell when marriages
or relationships are starting to fail. One partner starts to break their
commitments to the other partner. Wouldn't it be healthier to just talk and
explain what isn't working anymore?
If you notice your partner
has broken their agreements with you. STOP! Ask them what is going on!
Something is happening and if you bury your head and pretend nothing is
happening you will lose what you have going on.
In
The
Intimacy Love & Dating Scale, by Jessica Haynes, Jessica talks about how
TRUST is the #1 area where relationships break down. I agree with her.
In each of my relationships which experienced any degree of failure, trust was a
major factor lacking in the makeup of the relationship's basic ingredients.
The
reason something as simple as holding a schedule matters is because trust is a
cornerstone to building a successful relationship. And, yes, that is what
Smooth Sailing is all about: building loving, successful relationships.
So
if we want to experience success, let's hold to our commitments. Let's be
consistent. Let's keep our word. Let's honor our commitments. Let's respect each other, lest we receive the same treatment
in return. After all, the laws of karma don't paint a pretty picture if
you look at what happens to those who leave a spouse for another... how many of
those relationships end in failure? More than 75% of them.
Building
a relationship based upon trust is a key to successful relationships.
