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Well, it's what I said, wasn't it?
Ouch. There's a question
you can't get out of easily. First, if you say it WAS NOT what the
person said, you're accusing them of a liar. Second, if you say it WAS
what the person said, then you just incriminated yourself for failing to
listen.
I call it the no-win
scenario in communication. |
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I've recently been evaluating the usage of sarcasm in relationships. In
looking at sarcasm in many ways, I couldn't help but ask the question:
"What does sarcasm do for us in our relationships?"
Most people use sarcasm as a form of humor at various times. However,
when sarcasm slips into our disagreements we've entered a "no-no"
zone for relationship success. What's a better alternative? Well, perhaps if
we tried to speak in a more loving way, we might get what we want, and leave
our partner feeling empowered to be active in the relationship.
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"What's wrong with sarcasm," you might ask?
The word sarcasm is a derivative of the Greek word "sarkazein",
which meant "to tear flesh." Sarcasm, by modern Webster's
definition, is "a taunting or caustic remark, generally ironical."1
Someone who is sarcastic is said to be fond of using sarcasm, or
sneering. Another definition I read said something about a cutting or
biting remark poking fun at someone else's vice or folly. Sounds more
like what a velociraptor would do to you than what you'd expect from your
lover or friend, doesn't it (taunting, cutting, biting, tearing flesh)?
This is why I call sarcasm a form of "Jurassic
communication." If you've read the Michael Crichton book, Jurassic
Park, or seen any of the Jurassic Park trilogy of movies, you will have the
visual I'm aiming at here.
Is that the way WE want to be communicated with? Well, then why do
WE communicate that way to our significant other?
If this is not your style, then you're ahead of the game. However,
I've noticed many people argue with sarcasm. I've caught myself
doing it. And, I've noticed other people using sarcasm with me.
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When we use sarcasm, things can turn ugly quite quickly. Sarcasm turns a
comment/complaint into criticism. The criticism leads to contempt, or at
least to defensiveness, which leads to flooding. Flooding leads to
stonewalling and, eventually, one or both parties stop communicating.
Sarcasm, and the path it leads to, isn't an attractive choice.
In the book, The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D.,
says, "sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are
name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In
whatever form, contempt -- the worst of the four horsemen -- is poisonous to a
relationship because it conveys disgust. It's virtually impossible to
resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted
with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than
to reconciliation."
What will happen to us if we avoid sarcasm (and therefore, contempt) in our
conversation with our significant other?
Will we actually go more lightly on each other? Will we feel more appreciated? Will we feel more respected, trusted, and valued? My
guess is that we will.
I'm making a commitment in my own relationships to minimize/eliminate
sarcasm and other forms of Jurassic communication. It goes along with
the old commandment from the Bible, "Love your neighbor as
yourself." Loving each other really is the only healthy way to
live. Loving, without sarcasm, is true love.
Instead of sarcasm, why not
saying something complimentary. Or, try a tactic of suggestion.
An example of a correction
to sarcasm can be had by taking a look at the opening comment in this
article. Instead of "well, it's what I said, wasn't it?" an alternative
could be "is that what you heard me say?" Or, even better, "what did you
hear me say?" Said in a curious tone, rather than attacking tone, this
question now becomes a clarification question, rather than interrogation.
See if you can spot the
ways you are sarcastic, and see if you can't find more loving ways to say
the things you want, and therefore get more of the things you need.
1
Webster's New World Dictionary, Compact School
& Office Edition, The World Publishing Company, 1970.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
__________________________________________________________ |
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We
welcome your comments and success stories around finding true love and making
love more fun and abundant (feedback).
Scott Andrews is a life coach, business consultant, and
CEO/Founder of AspireNow (www.AspireNow.com),
a site helping people realize their business and personal aspirations. He
is a speaker and the author of numerous articles and workbooks on business
success, life purpose, smooth sailing relationships, and creating
abundant lifestyles. He launched the first interactive self-help program
on the Net, called the AspireNow Advisor.
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