This
doesn't mean your relationship cannot be repaired and turned into true love and
heartfelt appreciation, it just means you have some gentle homework to consider.
Again,
forgiveness is a learned attribute/skill that can help or hinder you. There are basically three reasons we fall in love, and three reasons we fall out
of love.
1.
Do we feel SAFE, now and forever?
2.
Do we feel VALUED, now and forever?
3.
Do we feel POWERFUL, now and forever?
If
we have all three during the courtship, carried through engagement, and
throughout marriage, love becomes grand and will let you enjoy your 50th Golden
Anniversary as if you were a newlywed. Thus, the expression:
"Isn't love GRAND!"
However,
you don't need all three (safety, value, power) to "feel" the
sensation of being in love. This is why love is blind. Our desire
and need for each of safety, value, and power will often let us
"settle" for ONE or TWO of the trio, hoping to later manifest what we
slid to the side. In other words, we are often great at settling for less
in order to have more in the moment.
When
you settle this way, you may experience the following:
1.
Your partner can marry you for what you present yourself as, and control or
limit your growth in the name of love.
2.
Your partner may see your potential and push forceful growth upon you, reaping
the rewards financially and emotionally, but then leaving you without realizing
what happened.
3.
You can reach a level of security, only to find later you are bored. Not
wanting to ruin a "good thing" you then seek outside of the
relationship, forgetting why you fell in-love in the first place.
These
are the major reasons why relationships and marriages are challenged and
fail. Each can be a painful outcome. Does your partner who hurt you
deserve to be forgiven? If they robbed you of your identity, your sense of
value, or your safety, do they deserve to be forgiven?
How
long do you give yourself or your partner a release-date before forgiveness
feels fair? Truly, time is the key to this question, and a quotient as to
how healthy you want your future relationships to be.
Why
can't we forgive? For every emotional, financial, sexual, parental,
friendship, or #*@! relationship we have had, why is "not forgiving"
so hard, and yet beneficial?
If
I were to ask you how, what, why, when, or where a relationship went wrong you
could probably talk all night telling me the answer. You have so many good
reasons. You have so many feelings. And forgiveness often isn't
among them!
Sometimes
people hurt us. Sometimes what they did is truly bad and not to be
forgiven.
Now
is the time to shift your perception to your future outcome. How are you
going to deal with the future that faces you? The first step is to forgive
yourself in making the choices you made, and the choices that
followed.
Do
you want to remain in your pain or move forward?
Is
being angry more fun than creating a future vision?
Is
accepting your present fate - and the anger that goes with it - more tolerable
than changing your standards and having a better life?
Back
and forth your mind might flop: "ME - anger, ME - anger, ME -
anger."
This
is perhaps the hardest step in overcoming sex, love, and lies. Forgive
yourself, and in the process learn which challenges you experienced when
forgiveness feels unfair.
Back
to basics: there are three reasons why we do or do not forgive.
1. I
cannot forgive because he/she will do the behavior again. I have forgiven
so many times, I don't trust my partner any more.
2.
I cannot forgive him/her for what they did in our relationship, because if I
did, they might feel I accept that type of behavior and violate my values.
3.
I cannot forgive he/she because I feel I would love control of the
relationship. Because of past difficulties and experiences, I've learned I
have to be in control of decisions to not have relationship problems. If I
lost control, I would fear the future.
Each
is valid NOT to forgive. Each is valid TO forgive. (The choice to
forgive is yours.)
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FIRST REASON TO
FORGIVE/NOT FORGIVE:
1. I CANNOT FORGIVE
BECAUSE HE/SHE WILL DO THE BEHAVIOR AGAIN. I HAVE FORGIVEN SO MANY
TIMES, I DON'T TRUST MY PARTNER ANY MORE.
CHOICES CREATED FROM THIS
REASON:
a. I'll stay with
this person for safety, create my own private life, and live a "pretend"
agreement until I can find a better future. (Safety)
b. I'm falling out
of love and I cannot forgive what he/she did to me. I'm going to
take the next best relationship that comes along, and create a better
life. (Value)
c. I won't discuss
what occurred. Discussions are over. Even if he/she wants to
reconcile, I won't listen. Even if things could get better, I
divorce myself emotionally and will never let myself go back.
(Power)
Each feeling is valid.
BUT, if you are truly not
ready to leave:
Answer these questions to
stop the sabotage:
What brought you together?
What did you learn?
What do you want to
achieve?
How can you forgive mixed
messages?
How can you build better
communication?
Start doing new things
together. Begin the relationship again as if it were NEW.
Fall in love again, and this time, share your feelings in the moment,
giving affirmations BEFORE reservations.
LISTEN
and GROW. Listen and HAVE FUN! Listen and be YOUR BEST, MOST
WONDERFUL SELF. Help your partner to be the same WITH you. Your
partner will learn that giving to you is the ultimate tool for self healing,
never to hurt you again. Communication is the KEY to your relationship
success.
YOU
CAN MEND with affection, talking, and adding back a feeling of being safe,
valuable, and powerful together. Otherwise, do your best to move on and
forgive yourself.
SECOND
REASON TO FORGIVE/NOT FORGIVE:
2.
I CANNOT FORGIVE HIM/HER FOR WHAT THEY DID IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IF I
DID, THEY MIGHT FEEL I ACCEPT THAT TYPE OF BEHAVIOR AND VIOLATE MY VALUES.
CHOICES
CREATED FROM THIS REASON ARE:
a.
I don't trust him/her any more and I will retreat into my own world, shutting
them out, and make him/her pay for my pain. I will withdraw sex,
affection, and caring, and be stubborn in mutual decisions. (Safety)
b.
I will tell everyone what he/she did to me, so that I feel at peace with my
actions. He/she can attempt to defend what they did, but until I feel
satisfied, I'll look for outside support first. (Value)
c.
I will sabotage the relationship: leave the house, ask for a divorce, take
the kids, take the business, etc. (Power)
Again,
each feeling is valid.
BUT,
if you are truly not ready to leave, consider this solution:
Your
partner will learn that you do not accept their behavior when you become
indifferent, yet strong. Your partner will learn that you can forgive the
past when you show your true value system and why it works for BOTH of you.
Why
are YOU a great catch? What makes the two of you click? Where and
when did the respect disappear in your relationship?
The
answer to these questions indicates your respect, another key to successful
relationships. If you cannot repair respect, it will be hard to trust each
other.
Respect
yourself first, then bring your partner along. It can happen, if you try
with love and respect for them. Love is amazing!
THIRD
REASON PEOPLE FORGIVE/NOT FORGIVE:
3.
I CANNOT FORGIVE HE/SHE BECAUSE I FEEL I WOULD LOSE CONTROL OF THE
RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE OF PAST DIFFICULTIES AND EXPERIENCES, I'VE LEARNED I
HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF DECISIONS TO NOT HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. IF I
LOST CONTROL, I WOULD FEAR THE FUTURE.
CHOICES
CREATED FROM THIS REASON ARE:
a.
I need to convince my partner to believe that what I am saying benefits
them even though it really benefits me (us). (Safety)
b.
I want to make my partner feel so safe that they leave me alone to do my day as
I desire. I have a secret lover or a special hobby to fill my days such
that I feel satisfied and in control. (Value)
c.
I make my partner feel guilty so that I stay in control. (Power)
Each
feeling is valid.
BUT,
if you are truly not ready to leave, here is a solution:
You
get to realize that forgiving the need to be always in control is the key to
moving your relationship forward.
If
you have been hurt or controlled in the past, your need to exert control could
lead to a limiting relationship. Attempting to control a relationship
usually means loss as partners. The outcome is that your lover either
finds their own path, gives up, or becomes so bored with you that they leave.
Forgiveness
is again learning to love yourself, and telling your truth, facing change and
building a better future.
When
we crave control, we attract controlling or silently manipulative
individuals. The more you enjoy communication and sincerity without using
control, the more love will come to you -- willingly.
CONCLUSION:
1.
Successful relationships are honest and absolutely truthful about what each is
feeling in life. They are forthright in discussing their best traits and
where they fall short. Love, respect, trust, clarity and "being"
are a given. As such, it is easy to forgive, because you know a
"mistake" is just that, a mistake -- no harm meant. Life is
easy, loving, and real when this level of communication is at work in your
relationship. Your partner will never hurt you as you may have been hurt
in the past. The relationship is safe.
2.
Successful relationships are always adding something useful to the union,
including: money knowledge, household skills, setting goals, family and
children hours, nurturing new and old friendships, building a beautiful home
environment together, spending meals together, adding hobbies or other
entertainment to leisure hours, increasing fun, intimacy, and physical
love. You are better together than you'd be apart. You are
both highly valued.
3.
Priorities. Successful relationships are always aware of priorities,
putting first things first. Making the relationship first over money,
status, and everyday needs, and at the same time looking after the needs of the
family, including money, vacations, children, and intimacy. You both have
the control you need and both have put the relationship first -- empowering both
of you to be who you truly are and experience your highest good together.
Forgiveness
comes from within YOU. Forgiveness comes when YOU are ready.
Creating happiness and love creates instant forgiveness. True love and
forgiveness go hand-in-hand.
Forgiveness
comes without asking - it simply IS.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
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