When
we are arguing we often feel as if we are being attacked, insulted, invalidated,
or misunderstood.
If
we feel our blood pressure rise, or feel ourselves shake, or recognize other
body symptoms this also supports what is going on emotionally for
us.
The
tendency is to stand our ground and argue until we are blue in the face (The
expression "blue-in-the-face" comes from a lack of oxygen from NOT
breathing... obviously, an unhealthy condition to physical well-being. For
more about breathing, see Belinda's article on Breathing).
Becoming blue in the face probably means we have stopped listening. It is
hard to listen when we are talking (or yelling) so loudly that we lose all of
our oxygen.
So,
the first key to resolving the situation is to STOP!
I
find that stopping and taking a deep breath can help clear our mind. Also,
splashing cold water in our face or anything else that helps lower blood
pressure can be helpful.
What
do we do after we recognize that we've let ourselves get heated up? This
is the trickiest part of resolving an argument.
In
order to receive validation, we think we must "convince" the other
party we are right. As if, "how dare you say/think/do that (or not
say/think/do) to me!"
Once
we've pointed out that we've had an issue crossed, however, there is no point in
arguing about it. Most often, BOTH parties are partly right -- even when
we cannot see the other person's point-of-view. In these situations, a compromise is
usually in order. At the very least, both people need to be HEARD and
receive validation for their point of view. And, there are three magic words which
will help us on our way to resolve the argument. What are they?
"I
AM SORRY."
Saying
"I am sorry" requires us to suspend the need to be right. Saying
"I am sorry" requires us to put aside our ego and actually consider
having it appear as if we are wrong - even if we are not. This is often
not easy to do.
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I
am not advocating that we become weak and let other people walk all over
us. On the contrary, I do believe standing up for our rights, respect, and
needs. Yet, if we find ourselves in situations where arguing is only going
to result in us saying something "snide" or a harmful
comment, why not try to put our needs aside, for a moment, and simply let our
friend/lover know "I am sorry."
I
tried it this week. And, guess what? It sure helped us re-open our
communication.
The
next time you are in an argument, see if the three simple words "I am
sorry" help you.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
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