How can we build more love in our relationships? Why do relationships fail?

These are two of our most challenging questions, aren't they? Attracting and maintaining a lasting and loving relationship is perhaps one of the foremost goals in our lives today.  Why do some individuals have close and compatible marriages for decades, while other individuals experience the frustration of poor relationships or living a single life for years?

The ability to recognize a "wise choice" or lifetime partner puts you ahead of most people.  When you begin a new relationship, you likely use one of two techniques to make your “yes/no” decisions.  You may use your emotional feelings to attract a mate, or rely on your mental reasoning to progress beyond the first date.  If your emotional and intellectual perceptions are in balance, you will do very well with the intimacy love and dating scale.  If these talents are out of balance, you will recognize immediately why a relationship is in trouble or has failed.

THE INTIMACY LOVE AND DATING SCALE

I:  ATTENTION

Getting a person's ATTENTION is the initial phase of attracting a potential partner.  Of course, the first step is getting the other person's attention.  Perhaps you've decided to meet through a dating service, a blind date, family introduction, or a night out to dance, drink and mingle.  Each step is a path to moving the relationship forward.

Remember, your first impression will win the next date.   ATTENTION comprises attracting the first glance, the first conversation and the first exciting contact with each other.  Did he/she respond actively, or did they appear bored?  Did you have a lot to talk about, or was the conversation strained?  Did he/she like you  more you liked them (or vice-versa)?  Were you trying too hard because you were nervous, or was the conversation easy?  Was his/her money and physical appearance more important than personality?
If your emotional gut feelings conflict with your intellectual perceptions, be cautious or simply move on. If you chose to accept inconsistent feelings or actions, most likely you will attract and accept inconsistent relationships.  Doing so will conflict with attracting your true soul-mate relationship.

Have you arranged for a second meeting with your new potential partner?  If you have, congratulations!  Hopefully, you will choose not to become overly physical or sexually intimate at the end of your first encounter.  If you become overly intimate, your chances of growing a healthy relationship decrease.

To build a loving relationship, you want to be genuine and real.  Is your new mate is doing the same with you?

II:  INCLUSION

INCLUSION is a wonderful and exciting next step.  This is what most relationship counselors refer to as the "Honeymoon Stage."

Hopefully, you feel comfortable to begin sharing your aspirations, goals, and needs easily and effortlessly.  You begin talking about your work, friends, family, and past experiences.  You want to know everything about the other person.  You are being your best self, and they are being the same with you.  You begin talking on a daily or weekly basis, and you enjoy getting to know each other.  Each conversation makes you feel better about growing the relationship with your potential partner.

During INCLUSION you discover if your goals are compatible:  financially, socially, spiritually and emotionally.  Also, you will discover if your goals regarding family and children are harmonious.  Make sure to cover all aspects of your quirks and similarities during this stage.  If you can continue to have great conversations and increase your attraction for each other, and feel a strong level of synchronicity, you will be prepared to take the next step.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

How does your new partner show respect for you?

What things do you find in common with each other that spark new ideas and things to do together?

Has your new companion introduced you to his/her closest friends and family members?

How is your partner considering your needs and desires as a priority?

What talks have you had to begin discussing longer-term goals? 

How much fun are you having in planning your life together?

Is your new partner dating you exclusively?

Do you enjoy your conversations so much that you feel like you are sharing with your best friend?

Many people mistake early stages of INCLUSION as true love.  If this mistake occurs in your relationship, watch your relationship slowly slip away.  Inclusion means that you are getting to know each other, and wisely doing so in an easy and effortless manner.  During the INCLUSION stage, men and women often let themselves "fall in love," when in fact, they are simply infatuated with this new face and personality.

This is where most relationships fall apart.  Infatuation turns into what one may feel is love (which results  from behaving as if truly in love -- a future stage), while the other person is still back in the stage of INCLUSION.  This now creates an unbalanced relationship where one person may care more than the other.  Whoever cares more usually loses because they are trying too hard.  They are trying to personally change or change their partner to force the relationship forward.  The person who loves least is in control and will likely either "use," keep at a distance, or ultimately drop this new partner.  At this point the man backs off if the woman develops "puppy dog eyes," assuming the two of them are an ITEM after only a few dates.

Many women skip INCLUSION (II) and move straight from ATTENTION (I) to CARING (V) and PHYSICAL PASSION (VI) WITH COMMITMENT.  If they make love on the first, second or third date, and assume that their partner will suddenly "fall madly in love with them" as a result of having made love, then wishful thinking will take over their emotional and intellectual logic.  If sex is introduced too soon, the balance of emotion and intellect is upset, and people stop seeing each other as they truly are.  

If you learn you MUST go through INCLUSION by simply getting to know each other (before sex), then you can move to the next stage of AFFECTION and get past playing games.

III:  AFFECTION

This stage begins as you begin to see the frailties, faults and weaknesses in your partner.  The good news is your partner has seen your flaws, too.  You both decided to move forward and help each other be your "best self" and assist one another growth process.

The "Honeymoon Stage" is over, and now a feeling of long-term commitment begins.  You realize you really like the other person, and he or she feels the same about you.

You successfully maneuvered through arguments, misunderstandings, and frustrations.  These events brought you closer together.

Your talk of commitment gets deeper, more complex, and serious.  By now, you have decided you don't want to lose your partner.  Your companion wants to be with you, too.

However, be aware of a common mistake during this stage of development.  Love is a very complex feeling.  Perhaps your AFFECTION is fostered by a deep need for financial security, sexual discovery, social status, child rearing, emotional bolstering, etc.  Putting undue attention upon these issues, which are only aspects of your needs and perhaps NOT your highest-self soul mate needs, can distort the relationship.

AFFECTION is a pivotal point where you can feel safe to process and break through your fears, and invite your partner to be a part of your growth.  If he or she is unwilling to support your growth, then you have not attracted the stage of AFFECTION.  Also, if you hope that your partner will rescue you, your partner will either wise up and leave for someone who is secure in his/herself or the relationship will enter a cycle of push/pull -- a cycle likely to ultimately lead to a troubled relationship.

As a final thought, if you have been physically intimate in the early stages of AFFECTION without a sense of commitment first, your chance of this relationship failing is pretty high.

IV:  TRUST

There are three levels of Trust:

A. Trust with your feelings.

B. Trust with material belongings.
C. Trust with your physical body.

Even though there are three categories, trust levels occur simultaneously.  We examine all three areas of trust separately to help provide clarity.

A. Trust with your feelings.

After you successfully grew a sense of AFFECTION and developed the early stages of commitment, you enter the TRUST phase, commonly known as the "trust zone."  If this phase is compromised, your relationship cannot mature and it will splinter apart or repeat initial stages, cycling through them again and again but falling apart with the unresolved trust issues.
 
During the AFFECTION stage, you shared your strengths and weaknesses, and grew stronger in your relationship.  With TRUST comes the agreement that each of you is "first" in the relationship.  New priorities are set, both individually and as a couple together.

Even if a boss, parent, sibling, child, friend, or stranger creates a disturbance in your relationship, this type of trust (feelings) means your partner comes first.  You trust that your partner has clarity, compassion, and awareness to help the two of you through the "moment."

As this trust grows, you know your partner values you and your opinions.  You feel safe with his or her ideas, insights, and suggestions.  Your mutual actions are based on mutual respect and appreciation for each other, developing consistency.  You know he or she will be there for you because your communication is easy, dependable, and trustworthy because the words are backed by consistent action (follow-through).

If you feel unsure or insecure with these thoughts and actions with your new sweetheart, you have not mastered trust with your feelings (in this relationship).  If you cannot get past your uneasy feelings, it is quite likely you will fall out of love and your relationship will fall apart.  Of course, if you can develop this level of trust, your relationship will deepen.
 
B. Trust with material belongings.

One of the most important issues that couples encounter is trust with their material belongings.  Often, new lovers will share their car, home, stereo, keys, credit cards, etc., with a new love when they are still in the INCLUSION (II) or AFFECTION (III) stage.  If this stage of trust is entered too soon, disappointment can occur to one or both parties in the relationship.  During the early stages of the Intimacy Love and Dating Scale, if a potential partner shows great respect for material belongings, the giver may assume he or she is the "one" and jump from INCLUSION (II) to CARING (V).  Skipping TRUST development may jeopardize your relationship.

You can be frank in your approach to this step:

Can you trust your future financial stability with your new partner?

If he or she is wealthy, will they care for you and your needs?

If he or she is not financially secure, will they take advantage of you?

How does your new partner respect and show care for the items in your home?

When your partner talks about how you can become more financially secure together do they sound controlling or patronizing?

If your respective long-term financial goals are incompatible, or if your concepts of wealth conflict, then the relationship is quite likely to fail.  In my experience of counseling relationships, money issues top the list of reasons for divorce in the United States (next to issues about sex and raising children). 

It is imperative you maintain this level of trust in your relationship to enjoy a lasting, loving union.

C.  Trust with your physical body

Trust with your physical body is the most abused phase and the least understood step to developing a truly loving and caring relationship.

It is fairly common for single women to feel (in today's age) that if they do not have sex by their third or fourth date, their gentleman suitor will move on.  Also, single men commonly say, "If I haven't had sex by the third or the fourth date, I'm in the friend zone."  Both of these assumptions have created havoc in the dating scene, by creating pressure to have sex early in the relationship, rather than waiting for the stages of intimacy to develop and be truly able to say you are "making love" with your soul mate.

These statements are true if you believe in them, meaning each individual is moving from ATTRACTION, INCLUSION, or AFFECTION, directly to TRUST WITH YOUR BODY.

If you want quick and spontaneous sex, go for it.  If you want to learn about sex, then go for it.  If you want to have an affair, that, too is your choice.  However, with each of these decisions comes the possibility of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease and a complete lack of communication with your partner.  Be aware that by moving into an intimate relationship prior to developing spiritual, mental, and emotional intimacy you’ve upset the natural balance in your system and risk the relationship’s development.

The Intimacy Love and Dating Scale does not advocate moving so fast, but if this is your preference, then enjoy the experience and good luck with your results.  Doing so (moving fast) attracts a 90+% failure rate.  The Intimacy Love and Dating Scale defines great sex as the deeper level of communication and understanding sex under “making love."  You can only make love when you truly are loving each other and KNOW each other.  Otherwise, be aware - you're just having some fun sex.  Fun sex might be fun, but it IS risky to your health AND your goal of developing a true "soul mate" relationship.

Sharing true love and intimate passion results when you travel this far through the intimacy scale without skipping the previously mentioned steps. This is a healthy time to "make love."  At this point, you learn much about your partner. 

You have realized that you are so pleased you met your new love.  This person means so much to you.  You can hardly wait to spend the next day with them and forever sounds even better.

Sex never grows old. You want to discover the depths of sexual passion, but also how to always keep it alive because you are realizing you LOVE this wonderful partner.

Now, intimacy bonds you closer and closer every time you are together or even think about each other.  And if you learn to keep this trust alive for the duration, it fuels you to continually add to your relationship's depth, meaning, and growth.

Do you have a question relating to setting relationships goals?

If it does, you can watch your relationship have many ebbs and hopefully new flows when caring re-enters the relationship.

Arguments, failures, angst, and disappointment are a part of the relationship, but not a cause for ending it. In your caring you have decided that each of you always comes first, and you will never
sacrifice the other's needs for your means to an end. In caring you can overcome life's pains that always face us: loss of a loved one, disease, losing a job, moving, financial change, children, new technology, growing older, change in plans.

You both have committed to face these issues together and you believe in one another to get to the other side. This stage is one in which you have been dating seriously and are talking about marriage.

Here is where the Commitment Phobics always lose and so do you.

Commitment Phobics are relationship addicts enjoy and indulge in every stage until it comes to professing ultimate caring.  Hopefully you haven't spent seven or ten years discovering you have a dance away partner.

Sadly many, many, have reached this stage and watched a relationship crumble. The signs were available, but there was always a reason to stay, forgive, or start over in the intimacy scale, hopefully to get through it all the way, down the line. Somewhere along the way, your emotional or rational goals were compromised, allowing you to continually re-invent the intimacy scale.

Commitment Phobics are masters at keeping you in this cycle. If you have given years of your life to someone who says they can't go to the next stage of marriage, click to the AspireNow Advisor and look at your life patterns.

VI. PHYSICAL PASSION WITH COMMITMENT

This is the stage when the question of marriage is no longer a concern.  You can hardly wait to be married (if you aren't, already).  A total commitment to each other is a primary desire.  Whether you choose to wait for marriage to have sex is up to you -- this is a personal issue (and, for many, a religious value).

This is when you realize life gets better through marriage and a blending of the two of you. Marriage is not only exciting but opens new doors of opportunity for your goals, dreams, and plans. Not only do you plan logical goals, but also your emotional goals are blended such that your compatibility and passion grows.

It is very rare that this stage falls apart.  By now you know each other, your true motives, needs, wants and frailties.  Sex, love, future, children, problems, dreams, thriving, are part of the zest for
life.  Rather that achieving to be happy, you are both happily achieving.  Also life becomes the experience of living together, not hoping to experience life and learning to love each other.

VII. LOVE IS PARTNERSHIP

Love is no longer learning the steps of relationship.  It has become partnership. You are partners for life and how wonderful the feeling is day to day.  Love is no longer an ideal, fantasy, hope, wish, dream, or a someday experience. Love is so real that you revel in it every day.

And you KNOW it will never go away. This is the goal so many lovers want and so many never achieve.

Your love isn't an agreement.  Your love isn't continually processing relationship issues. Rather, your Love is a partnership in which you agree in all matters.  Your partnership gives you continued confidence, security, nurturing, fun, stability, and equal power.  You have learned to thrive together. You have accepted each other completely, and are enjoying the "being" and "doing" of life together.

You also realize, that when you die, your loving husband/wife/partner will be waiting for you. There is no special award given to you at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, simply the fact that you have loved so truly and this love and those who have loved you will always be with you.

This STEP of the Intimacy Scale allows you to always reach for your best self.  Even if a relationship has failed there is hope.  If you have lost a loved one, you are more likely to find true love again.

Please note:  the author of this article may not be certified as a licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your situation dictates. _____________________________________________________________

We welcome your comments and success stories around finding true love and making love more fun and abundant (feedback).

Read other articles by Jessica Haynes at AspireNow:

   Life Purpose: What Brings Happiness

   Smooth Sailing: Sex, Love, and Lies

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