The
feeling we have when we fall in love is SO strong, it cannot be mistaken
with infatuation. Yes, infatuation love does play a role, as our brain
releases that chemical which floods our being and makes us feel drugged by love
when we even hear our partner's voice or see their picture. Beyond
the warm-and-fuzzies is a sense of "knowing" that this partner is just
"right" for us. An understanding that when you share how you
want to be with this person, how you both just "know" it. It is
clear that you were meant to be together. If you find yourself doubting,
or questioning the relationship, then it is unlikely that this partner is truly
your final soul-mate. When many of the how's and what's are in-synch, but
there is still strife an arguing, perhaps the timing is simply off for the two
of you.
When
we have done the internal work to prepare the path for our soul-mate, to know
that we will not let ourselves be in love or be with someone intimately if they do not seem
100% like our vision of THE ONE, we become ready to then meet our true
love.
I have written about the process of
surrendering to
discovering our purpose. Discovering our true love, I have recently
discovered, is quite similar. When we stop letting our ego decide who
we will be with and just surrender our love life and relationships over to God
(whatever your definition of God may be), it is like the difference between the
energy from a AA battery versus the energy output if you could harness all the
power in the ocean waves that pound against the shores off the coasts.
One
thing I realized, when I prayed a prayer of surrender specifically for relationships, is
that I did not want to be with someone unless I felt very strongly that they are
"The One."
Yes,
I dated, but I would cut off the dating at two or three dates if I felt it
was going nowhere. Why create another 2 - 5 year relationship with someone
who I know I would not be completely happy to marry? Yes, this
goes against the "bachelor code," and anyone playing by bachelor rules
is actually playing by ego rules, same as when women follow the advice in the
book called "The Rules."2
Some of these ideas are to avoid saying "Yes" to a request to date if
it comes after Wednesday night, or to pretend you are busier than you are, to
create the appearance of demand, etc., and many more similar tricks.
Tricks and games may succeed in getting a marriage proposal, but where will that
leave the marriage? Will it be based upon honesty and truth, or something
else? When we surrender relationships
to God, there is no need for the little games or dishonest tricks people
play. There is only love, and love knows what is best for us.
Truly, it does.
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'in-the-meantime' vs. 'the One'?
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It is
so clear, when we meet someone who we love, that loving them is right. There is no
doubt, no hesitation. Yes, it is useful to take our time, use safe
discretion, and let the friendship bloom into love as we move forward in the
relationship. It is important to let our love mature in a natural
progression (see "The Intimacy
Scale," by Jessica Haynes, for more
information about the progression of love). Yet, it is wise and good to let our
love mature over time (see: "Don't
Cowboy Up" for more on this subject).
When
we are in love and have met our soul mate, none of the other relationships
compare. It is as if they were all just warm-ups. Playing scales on
an instrument is nothing like the thrill of playing an improvised solo in front
of an audience of people cheering and dancing. It is the same with love.
If
you are in a meantime relationship, you might ask yourself if you are ready to
meet your own "The One" soul mate partner. If
the answer to this question is, without doubt, "yes," then you are
probably able to live without the meantime partner as a primary part of your
life. I learned that in order to have our true love develop and find
us we literally must be unwilling to do any more meantime relationships.
We must be absolutely certain that we have put our trust in a force that always
delivers at the right place and at the right time -- our higher self
resonates clearly when true love occurs. This is we are then in tune with God, and
with our partner, so that we may become, as the biblical expression
states, "equally yoked."
When
we both experience this level of commitment to knowing our soul mate, and
knowing that love when we see it, the opportunity for soul mate love to
blossom finally enters our life. Living our life free of the distractions
of conditional relationships is a freeing experience. I found it to be
worthy of the name: L-O-V-E. My hope is that others will find this
to be true, as well, and not "settle" for their meantime partner.
1Vanzant,
Iyanla; In The Meantime, Simon & Schuster; 1999.
2Fein,
Ellen, and Schneider, Sherrie; The Rules. Warner Books, Inc.; 1995.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
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