(Please note: If you are a recent victim, then I'd like you to focus on
the positive aspects of this process described in this article. This
article is not intended for victims of a tragic event, like 9-11, but
rather for people who have had an ongoing history of "victim
consciousness" which blocks their success in building loving
relationships. I will write another article for victims of tragic events
in the future, as that healing process is a bit different than what I describe
here.) If you have a victim consciousness, this article will challenge some of your
core beliefs and values. However, this is necessary in order for you to
move beyond Victim to VICTOR (or VICTORY). You must understand that a
certain aspect of surrendering your outdated processes and even shedding core
values that do not work may be required in order for you to make this
transition. On the other side of that surrender is happiness. If you
are ready to embrace victory in your relationships, rather than continue in
failure, loss, and sadness, then you will be asked some questions.
Following those questions will be a description of what victim consciousness
does to your mentality, your values, your relationships, and your life.
Following that analysis will be a series of suggestions to help you move beyond
victim to victory and personal empowerment.
This process you are about to go through may be unsettling, especially if it the first time you are
encountering it. This process may even make you angry. But you must
face this if you are to change your state from victim and move to victorious
success.
***** Are you ready? *****
Scroll down if your answer is "YES"
Ok, if you're here, and still reading, then you've made a decision. I
respect you for your bravery and determination - it will be your hope in your
healing!
I would like to ask you some questions of
yourself. Please carefully consider each question and answer each with
completely honesty:
1. Do you often have relationships that end ugly? (Mean things
are said, you or your partner says or does hurtful actions?)
2. Do you have a long history of being hurt or hurting others in
relationships?
3. Do you have a childhood that involves more than one of the
following:
a. Yelling at parents, parents yelling at you.
b. Sexual abuse and/or sexual promiscuity.
c. Struggle - feeling people invalidate your opinion.
d. Rejection, abandonment, or other significant loss.
e. Life-threatening event - drowning, suffocating,
burning, etc.
4. Do you often have intense feelings of anger, or even rage?
5. Do you blame yourself or blame others for things gone wrong?
If you have answered YES to more than one of these questions, you may have
what is known as a "victim consciousness" in your mentality of
life. In essence, it is highly likely that you see life from a position of
being a victim, and as a result you are self-sabotaging your
relationships. (A victim consciousness is also known as a
"red-overlay" in your aura, in a spiritual sense. There will be
more information coming soon to AspireNow within the AspireNow Advisor about red
overlays, but for now, the rest of this article will focus on this topic from an
angle of victim consciousness.)
(Note: If you did not answer YES to more than one of these questions,
this article isn't written with you in mind, UNLESS you are dating or married to
someone who answers YES to more than one of these questions. In that case,
you're probably struggling to find trust, respect, and lasting love in your
relationship with this person. If this is you, this article may help as a
place to start in getting help for your relationship. I wish you well in
this endeavor, as I am quite aware of the painful process you are going
through. My love and hopes are with you.)
Regarding victim consciousness, please know that
many other people have this challenge at one point or another in their
life. I would estimate that as many as 25% of
the population struggles with victim consciousness (red overlay) at some point
in their early adult life. Many of these people have conquered their
victim mentality and now can be helpful to you. Others have counseled
people with victim consciousness and offered assistance to recovery. Know
that you are not alone, many have won over, and you have help. You can and
will succeed in changing your consciousness to a state of victory.
If you do not remove victim consciousness and replace it with a consciousness
of personal empowerment (VICTOR) then you will continue to experience sadness,
loss, and broken relationships. In other words, you will become a prisoner
of your own mind. Is this what you want?
I wouldn't think so. There are ways to deal with changing our
perspective. So, let's dig deeper and find some solutions, okay?
First, where did your victim consciousness come from?
In most cases, victim consciousness is implanted early in your personality
and aura through behavior of parents, siblings, and or your own behavior.
In many cases, a person is sexually abused or in a family that disrespects them
or dishonors their glory as a spiritual being. Frequently, drugs or
alcohol are involved.
Many have a life-threatening situation either at birth or in your youth,
creating a perception that they may die, or that they are not safe. Life
threatening situations vary, but include illness, drowning, suffocating,
choking, or birth complications. If you are aware of this type of
situation, it may prove helpful to see why you are manifesting victim
consciousness today. Do you feel suffocated in your relationships?
Do you push people away? This is usually a root cause of that relationship
sabotage technique.
If you are unaware of an early life-threatening situation, that doesn't mean
you didn't experience one. You might ask your parents if there is
something that occurred in your past. Let them know you are on a process
of self-discovery and this information would help you. They'll usually
offer if they haven't before. If you have feelings of dread or impending
disaster it usually stems from a life-threatening situation.
If you were physically,
emotionally, or mentally abandoned or rejected, you may have developed a victim
consciousness. This may include adoptees,
orphans, or children who were separated from parents and siblings at a young
age. This may also include children of parents who were emotionally
distant. This was quite common among the 1960's children (as portrayed in
"Rebel Without A Cause" by James Dean).
The most frequent and obvious cause for victim consciousness is people who
have been physically, emotionally, or mentally abused. If you were
sexually abused, physically beaten, raised by drug-using or alcoholic parents,
or yelled at (verbal abuse), or stonewalled by a parent you likely feel that the
world is unsafe. In addition, those closest to you would be considered a
"threat" rather than haven. As a result, you will push them away
or abuse them in order to recreate the survival mechanisms of your past.
There also smaller incidence of people developing victim consciousness who
felt either smothered or not important to the family. If you felt
betrayed by adults who were supposed to love, nurture, and protect you, it would
not be unusual for you to have felt unsafe. As a result, you may have
developed victim consciousness.
NOTE: Don't get me wrong: I am
NOT defending improper behavior by a family member towards another. I'm simply
dealing with what YOU'RE experiencing. It is up to you to continue to hold to
that defensive mechanism from that situation or to find new (and hopefully more
healthy) ways of dealing with it.
What victim consciousness does to our thinking and core
values:
For any of these reasons, please understand that you developed victim
consciousness as a PROTECTIVE mechanism. Therefore, your ego and current
persona will feel that your victim consciousness is a CORE VALUE. If it
protects you, it must be good. Instead of analyzing feelings in a way that
is proactively helpful, we will hold onto feelings of hurt and recreate old
patterns as the protective mechanism kicks in. This may sound sick, but
really, we do it for our own good. You use victim consciousness as a way
of survival. But, you must understand, that in the end, victim
consciousness will snuff out your dreams, steal away your life, and rob you of
loving relationships - in effect, you will have imprisoned yourself to the very
thing that you think protects you.
Every victim needs a perpetrator. Therefore, you will see managers as
"evil" or bad. You will frequently put down co-workers and those
who are around you. To justify your thinking and judgments, you will find
them talking behind your back and saying what a jerk you are, as such, they will
be cowards or intend evil for you. This will turn them into a perpetrator.
Victims often turn their own family into perpetrators. Often, family is where the
victim learns their behavior. Thus, the behavior will be turned back on
family. Often, the father or mother of a victim mentality is the person
who helped perpetuate it. If this is the case, they will need special
handling to remove the victim/perpetrator cycle. Counseling and/or
severance of the family relationship may even be necessary to heal from that
situation.
Victims may turn their relationships into battlefields, as their loving
partner is turned into the evil perpetrator who hurts them. As this
happens, the victim will see what they do as good, and overlook the hurtful
behavior they do. They will often say things that hurt, or simply withdraw
for no reason. People who employ stonewalling communication tactics
(Jurassic communication) or cuss at their partner in anger are often submitting
to victim consciousness.
In just about every relationship, instead of building emotional intimacy we
will pull people in then push them away. Or, we will smother them rather
than give them the space they need. Relationships, rather than being
supportive, helpful, and loving, become "games" and
battlefields. Often, we are strategizing how to take advantage of a
situation, or how to get back at how we've given before, now it's our turn to
take.
People with victim consciousness can actually become energy vampires.
Rather than boosting and helping those around them, they end up draining
them. People who date victim consciousness people often find that their
job, their health, their financial supply, and other forms of energy become
drained or go away. This is one of the tell-tale signs of being around
victim-consciousness. If you find that others accuse you of taking
advantage of them financially, and being with you is causing emotional or
physical distress, then you are likely giving off victim consciousness to
them.
If you see yourself in these things, take note, this is normal behavior for
someone living with a core value of victim consciousness.
You may have learned that one way to get attention and approval is to be a
"victim," as part of your survival mechanism. Friends, family,
and other "support group" people may approve of us or accept us is we
show them how awful, difficult, unfair, unmanageable, and hard life is.
Frankly, victims tend to hang out with victims. In addition, victims WON'T
want you to break out of their group. You feed off of each other. As
a result, if you try to break away, they might even become quite angry with you
or even attack you. When one victim tries to rise above the fray of
"awfulness" the other victim(s) often will try everything in their
power to hold them back. This is why many people who break out of victim
mentality have to replace friends, and even eschew family members.
Being a victim may feel like a safe place, because it is all you know.
But, it is dangerous to stay there. You must break free of the shackles
and destroy victim consciousness as a core value, and replace it with love,
happiness, and personal empowerment. In order to do this, you must
recognize that the very thing you are most afraid of is that which will heal
you: change.
What victim consciousness does to our relationships:
People with a victim consciousness in relationship are often found saying the
following types of comments:
"Nothing I do is good enough for you."
"Why do you expect so much from me."
"You're not good enough. You're good for nothing. All you
want is..."
"Why are you attacking me?"
"You are so critical. Why do you blame me for everything."
"If this happened, I'd only have myself to blame."
"You invalidate me. Why won't you listen to me?"
... and so on. Does this sound like things you've said? If so,
you probably recognize yourself more than you want to. But the reality is,
you are becoming aware. You might become angry as you become aware.
This is a normal process/reaction of victim consciousness. When the truth
is exposed, they become angry. Recognize that this anger is a way of
projecting the victim consciousness to the other party and thus creating a
perpetrator.
How that manifests into ugliness:
The cycle victim's unconsciously repeat, again and again, goes something like
this:
1. Victim consciousness person has concluded they aren't lovable or is hurt
and feeling pain. As a result, they endeavor to be alone.
2. Victim consciousness person meets attractive person, who expresses
interest in them. The attractive new potential mate/relationship will
serve as a savior. They are the knight in shining armor.
3. Victim acts like a friend, drawing mate in, but says they "aren't
ready for a relationship," which creates a challenge to the knight in
shining armor. Knight may be male or female, keep in mind - this is not
gender specific.
4. After knight becomes emotionally intimate with victim, victim experiences
overload. They do not believe they deserve love, because they're
programmed to think that way. They do not believe they will be
"validated" because that is not their experience with past
relationships/family. They believe they are not safe. As a result,
they will "act up" and push the knight away. The knight will
question the victim behavior, as any normally reasonable person would. The
victim will not respond to this reason. Instead, they become ANGRY.
This anger will quickly escalate until the knight has been created into a
perpetrator. Now the victim is "justified" in their attitude
that they are not good enough, the knight just wants to hurt them, etc., and the
cycle is firmly implanted in the relationship.
5. The victim repeats the cycle. Knight unknowing transitions in and
out of savior and perpetrator, unable to make sense of the situation. They
will now be in a mode to try to "fix" the relationship, and the
relationship is therefore doomed to fail because there is no way to fix or break
out of the cycle. The victim will hold onto their protective shell at all
costs - it is the only thing that makes them feel safe - and the savior will try
to fix at all costs - it is the only thing that will bring healing to the
relationship. As a result, the relationship is doomed, just like all the
others.
Who created this mess? Well, in reality, both people create it.
The knight allow their self to be morphed into a perpetrator. Most healthy
people will not do this. When one person acts up, they call the other on
that. If the other does not respond correctly, a healthy person will break
off the relationship and move on. That's food for another discussion, and
I will keep that separate. The important thing to realize is that the
victim is the first to act up, and therefore the instigator in what is breaking
down and sabotaged in the relationship. It is the victim's inability to
foster emotional intimacy (because they fear that is not safe) that causes them
to act up. This is their undoing in 90%+ of their relationships.
This may manifest in further verbal abuse, physical abuse, and other bad or
ugly things in which the victim may "appear" innocent (they didn't
start punching, throwing, hitting) but due to their pulling away, foul mouth, or
other sarcastic comments they may have in fact CREATED their own situation where
the other party attacks them out of sheer madness over the challenge of getting
along with them. Unconsciously, the victim knows this, but they'll do it
anyway because then they get to play "victim" and hold onto their
protective shell.
You are not a victim. And, you do not need to be victimized, helpless,
or out of control to get attention or the love you desire. You deserve to
be great, glorious, and beautiful. The love you seek cannot be obtained by
playing the role of victim. In fact, the only way to find the love you
seek is to replace victim mentality with victory mentality.
Do we have a choice?
YES. Even though the victim consciousness becomes firmly embedded in
your deep value system and consciousness, you must realize that you are choosing
this path as your value system.
You are choosing victim consciousness because it makes you feel safe.
The way to change this pattern is to replace that feeling of safety with one
that actually causes you pain. As soon as you realize that victim
consciousness behavior is what causes you to sabotage relationships, work,
family, or whatever else it impacts, you can create awareness. From
awareness you can change modalities of consciousness to deeper root issues,
acceptance, acknowledgement, and replacement with new positive behavior pattern.
In choosing to make a change, commit to the idea wholeheartedly. Set
your intentions FIRM, even to the point of making a contract with God. You
deserve the best. Do not settle for less. And, yes, the change
starts with YOU.
I am a firm believer that most people who have been in victim consciousness
for a long amount of time will more than likely have developed a support network
(job, friends, family, advisors) who are for the most part also living in victim
consciousness. As a result, the majority of these relationships will have
to be significantly altered or replaced by people with victim
consciousness. I suggest trying to work on things with family; yet, they
are also the hardest to change.
In any difficult endeavor in life, it is wise to have a coach. Perhaps
a therapist may help you through this change. I recommend that you do not
undertake this alone, especially if you realized that you've got a full-on case
of victim consciousness. Well, that is the biggest challenge:
admitting it. Many people in victim mentality have a hard time admitting
it. Many are in firm denial, and will attack anyone who tries to point our
that their mentality is causing their own grief. After all, how could they
be at fault - they are the victim.
If you've woken up and realized, either through this article or elsewhere,
that you're living in a way you don't want to through playing the victim, there
is no better time than right now to put a stake in the ground and set your
intention to make a positive change, once and for all.
Do you have a question relating to setting relationships
goals?
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Here
are some guidelines to help empower you to lose the victim mentality and break
free of the victim consciousness cycle, thus becoming victorious in love and
life:
1.
Become aware of what you are doing. If you answered yes or saw yourself in
those comments (above) then you know what to look for, in terms of signs that
you are creating a victim consciousness in any given situation. If you are
blaming a boss, yelling or in trouble with a coworker, or fighting in a
relationship, STOP. Take a step away. Ask yourself what is going
on. Are you trying to prevent intimacy? Are you trying to act up to
make someone else mad at you or abusive towards you? Victims do
this! Do NOT analyze who was right and who was wrong. If
you've been a victim, you always think you were right, and you were hurt because
they are wrong, too demanding, expect too much, and you could never measure
up. This simply is not true. Remember, with your new empowerment
consciousness, you've decided to give up that old pattern. So, the first
step is to simply become aware of what happened. If you find yourself
repeating the old pattern (I'm not good enough, you expect too much, nothing I
do is good enough for you, you're wrong, I'm right, or I'm a failure) STOP - and
write this down. Write down what you feel caused the feelings within
you. Ask them to write down the feelings within them. Become
aware. Try not to point fingers and do not accept or lay blame.
Simply become aware.
2.
Owning your own pain and vulnerability. The reason we became a victim, in
the first place, was most likely not due to this present
partner/relationship. Therefore, they are not the person to
"save" us. Only we can save ourselves. We must own our pain. What is this
feeling of victim coming from?
Is this from a way we were treated in our past? Is this from an
expectation we have that might be unrealistic at this point in time?
Dealing with our own pain (anger, hurt, frustration, fear) is the ONLY way to
get out of a negative bonding pattern. We must recognize what is
causing us to react so strongly and break free of that pattern. The only
way to do this is analyze what in our past might have caused these feelings - no
matter how painful that might be to do. Now, once we've owned up to the
true source of the feelings, we need to ask, "what can I do to replace that
negative/pain bonding with one of pleasure and happiness?" The answer
to the question is the rope out of the quicksand.
Now,
I want you to do an exercise. First, evaluate this list. Then, think
of your own past, and create your own list and "tapes" you have
developed as a result of them.
Here
are common patterns of victim consciousness and what causes them:
| Action From Past ( - ) |
Victim Tape Created ( -
) |
| Dad let me down or hurt me |
Men can't be trusted. I choose men who
are irresponsible who disappointment. |
| Divorce of parents is a surprise, divorce
during teenage years. |
People I love lie to me. I'm not lovable. |
| Dad and Mom weren't affectionate |
Men aren't turned on by women. Women
aren't supposed to be turned on by men. Low sex drive, etc. |
| Not properly cared for when sick as child |
I have to take care of myself. I choose |
| Father/mother molested me. |
I'm bad/dirty. I attract people who
control me. |
| Dad cheated on mom (vice-versa) |
Men can't be trusted, women are doormats (or
vice-versa). |
| Wasn't shown affection/praised. |
I have to work hard to be loved. |
| Stepfather/stepmother hated me. |
People I love (other partner) abandon me. |
| Strict religious upbringing. |
Fun isn't ok, being sexual isn't ok. |
| Dad beat up my brother or me. |
I have to be good so I don't get hurt. |
| Mom was often angry and moody. |
It's not safe to express myself. I am
invalidated. |
| Mom & Dad fought a lot. |
It's not ok for me to be angry. |
| My parents didn't believe me.... when I told
them my brother had molested me. |
My feelings/thoughts don't count. I'll
just keep them to myself. |
Here
is one possible list of common challenges with DAD/MOTHER problems:
Smile
-- you're on your way! Repeat these every day for 21 days. Keep a
penny in your shoe for 21 days, it will remind you of this commitment. If
you slip, and catch yourself slipping back into "victim" modality,
examine your old tape chart, find the positive counter tape, start saying it,
and find ways to make it so. As you think, so shall you be!
3.
Now, if you are in a relationship, you need to show acknowledgment and
love. If someone has been your knight and is trying to heal you, they have
their own pain and needs involved. It is important to recognize them and
give them some sense of validation. At the same time, only we can heal
ourselves. We must be able to love them while at the same time building
love for ourselves. They are not the savior, they are also not the
perpetrator. Logic and reason, based upon strong emotions, is a
firecracker waiting to go off. So, avoid the he said/she said problem and
start to accept each other for who you are. If you were abused in your
past, it does not mean that all people you date are abusive! If your
current partner is saying they do not mean to be abusive, evaluate what they are
saying with a fresh perspective.
Perhaps,
we are creating our own perception of their perpetration - in effect, turning
them from savior into perpetrator to reinforce our ability to hold onto being a
victim. Until we recognize that this not a healthy way to approach
relationships, our relationships will be sabotaged by our OWN input. This
is not necessary! We must own our stuff, face the roots of it, and replace
the negativity with positive love. At first, it may seem difficult, but we
must send out love, even if we feel we've been wronged deeply in our
heart. No, I'm not saying to be an enabler. I'm saying we need to
send out love in all situations. This is a key to overcoming this
problem. We need to accept and acknowledge each other, and not expect or
treat the other person as the enemy. If you are in an abusive situation
where your life is in danger you need to leave your relationship and find
assistance through an abuse center. I strongly recommend you do this
immediately. For those who know they are with someone who is truly loving
them, then show them acknowledgement and love.
4.
Be aware of the struggle. When we've turned our partner into a
perpetrator, anything they say aggravates us further. If you find yourself
becoming more and more agitated, STOP! Stand back, ask what is really
going on. If one of you is saying things to resolve a situation, and all
we see is further agitation, we've gone into the abyss of
victim-mentality. We promised we would stop doing this. This is the
time to acknowledge appreciation for our partner's efforts, become aware, accept
a acknowledge each other. Staying in the pattern and struggling to make it get better is like trying to
run in quicksand. We need to send our partner acknowledgement, step up and
apologize quickly for putting a victim mentality upon them, and then send out
love (reassure them) to help correct the wounds created, quickly.
Remember
to focus on the new positive thought mantra and let go of the outdating
value. You have new core values that mean you get listened to, validated,
loved, respected, and can trust others. You are SAFE.
The
way to healing comes from faith, love, trust, and respect. You must show
each of these to your partner, if you expect them to show them to you. Are
you sending out trust? Are you sending out respect? Don't look for
what you're doing right, look for what you're doing wrong, and fix it! You
own your choices. Nobody else controls your ability to be happy.
Happiness comes from being empowered, not from playing the victim. Offer
your partner reassurance through love, trust, and respect, and as your partner
recognizes the change, they will love you all the more! Hope will return
to both of you as you move through the process.
Through
this process, by taking ownership, becoming aware, accepting the situation for
what it is, evaluating the roots of the problems, and then sending out love and
reassurance to our partner, we therefore step out of the abyss of victim
mentality and step into the glory of VICTORY.
Remember,
YOU are the one responsible for changing your core values/tapes. As you
progress and envelop this new positive core value system, your life will
change. You will outgrow those friends who pulled you down, and you will
attract loving, positive people into your life. As you grow, you will find
life will be happier, more rewarding, more successful, and loving. You
will be victorious! Blessings to you in your journey to love more
abundantly and experience victory in love.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- this article is governed by our
terms of use and it not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any
psychological or medical symptoms. Please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
