I recently met someone who was not happy with
their partner and was staying married only because of their nine year old
daughter. However, she was definitely not happy. Is
it reasonable for her to expect a better relationship? Or should she
consider moving on? The answers may be obvious to some, complicated to
others.
"If
only I could ring a bell and make him put down the remote," she said. The proverbial Pavlov relationship-bell boils down to communication and being in tune with our feelings.
If an issue is important enough to stir in us strong emotions then perhaps we might consider
communicating about the issue. People mention communication frequently,
but how does communication apply to our relationships in reality?
At the same time,
it is often good to bite our tongue and not speak up, if it is something that
won't change by our suggestion. In other words, if you've already gone down that
alley, and you know it will start a disagreement, then why get into it? If you
can live beyond it, biting your tongue may be wise in this instance. I once
heard a woman say, "you can tell who has been in a relationship the longest by
looking at those with the most teethmark scars on their tongues." It's good for
a joke, and there IS a grain of truth in most jokes.
If
we complain about a relationship problem to other people without discussing the issue
with our partner we can know this is a signal of a communication break-down.
Instead, good communication is sharing with our significant other first
-- before sharing
with others. By doing so we probably won't need to discuss the issue
anywhere else because we will have resolved it. This approach results in straight forward and honest
communication.
A
key to good relationships includes maintaining spiritually-based
relationships. Praying with each other can be a way to strengthen a
bond. It may also be useful to pray prior to discussing difficult ideas
with a partner.
Good
communication also includes playing fair. We can play fair by focusing on
the present issue without bringing up the past, staying on the topic at hand
without getting distracted, and being nice by not calling names or putting our
partner down.
Body
language matters more than what we say.
Do you have a question relating to how to improve
communication with your partner?
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"When
the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the
language of the first." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tone, body language, and word
choice matters in our communication with each other. Good communication includes keep our words and body
language positive. When we rub our nose our body language implies we might be stretching the truth a
little. If either our hands are on our hips or if our legs are crossed we may not
be communicating an open posture. If we use the word "but" we may negate agreement. Positive
words, such as yes, agree, etc., better imply agreement than using but, no,
never, always, etc. If we use open body language, soft and
soothing tone and positive words that indicate agreement we are likely to
be more successful. After all, I'm pretty sure a beekeeper won't kick over
the beehive if he wants to gather honey.
Is
communicating better worth the effort? Only you can answer that question. Personally,
I believe in showing respect by spending time communicating with the people
we love. If you don't think it is worth the effort then you might
reconsider whether your relationship is best for you.
If
we've tried to make things work (or play) and our relationship still doesn't
seem to click, then what? If the issue is important enough to impact our happiness
we will need to face a decision whether we can deal with it or if we want to be
unhappy. If we're going to be unhappy, we might consider moving on.
It isn't easy (and the prospect of being alone isn't fun) but sometimes we cannot
be happy until we do move on. If the situation is provoking you to either consider
an affair or lie to your partner you are probably not completely happy in your
relationship. In this instance, it is critical to communicate the
issue. We must be careful how we communicate the issue, though.
Argument only slows our efforts to get along. Since when does No + No =
Yes? Salespeople have often used a theory (developed by the philosopher Socrates)
to get people in an
agreeable frame of mind prior to making their pitch: Yes + Yes =
Yes! The Yes, Yes, Yes! theory works in relationships,
too.
Again, just to recap the
keys to improving our communication with our partner, here they are:
1. If we feel strongly
about something, we ought to speak up about it, lovingly.
2. If talking about
something is going to create a fight, it might be wise to bite our
tongue.
3. Share with our partner
before (or better, instead) of with other friends and family.
4. Maintaining shared
spirituality time together increases intimacy.
5. Play fair in
communication. Be above-board and honest with each other. Stay on topic.
Don't bring up the past, don't call them names, and compliment them
rather than putting them down.
6. Watch our body language
to make sure we're not conveying something other than what we are
saying.
7. Instead of trying to
disagree, try to agree and find resolution to challenges. Take the time
to invest in resolution and you're taking the time to show you're
committed to the relationship.
In
solving communication problems we must speak up when we need to. We can
PLAY instead of WORK at our relationships. We can improve our
relationships using kindness, positive body language, and the Yes, Yes Yes!
approach. Being fun, open, and positive are helpful ways to increase
love in our relationships. Then when we ring the proverbial relationship
bell, our relationship "dawgie" might really salivate and smile.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
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