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First,
how do you end it?
There
are a few good rules to abide by in breaking off a relationship.
1.
Be nice. Let them know you enjoyed their company, had some good times, and
wish them well in the future.
Maybe you're thinking,
"Scott, you're nuts. There's no way I'm going to give her flowers while
I'm dumping her." Or, "Scott, are you outta sight or what? I'm not
giving him a massage and showing up with garter belts under my dress
when I'm telling him to get lost!"
I know, it's hard. BUT,
all I can say is that through any difficult situation, as well as any
FUN situation, the same basic rule of life still applies: LOVE is the
ANSWER!
PLEASE keep in mind that
I'm NOT saying "go back and do it again, baby" because I know that
cyclic relationships are usually unhealthy relationships. And unhealthy
relationships ought not be continued for the better of all parties
involved. I'm just saying be kind, be respectful, be good, be polite, be
decent. Is it that hard?
2.
Offer encouragement, if possible. Example: "I hope you find the
love you seek."
3.
This is not the time to tell them everything that is wrong with them. This
is not the time to tell them all the things they messed up on during the
relationship. If you intend to do this, do it with a counselor, not to
your partner. If they ask, "why are you breaking up with me,"
tell them one or two key things that are unchangeable about the situation or
that you see as not working for you or the both of you. In your
description, be very simple (don't say more than you need to), be specific, and
be positive by framing each negative around two
positives (PNP approach). Don't lie or tell
them it's you not them. Just make it about CIRCUMSTANCES rather than
personality. That's the nice thing to do.
4.
Initially, do not continue to write them, call them, contact them, or ask for anything back
besides the first time you ask for it (Occasionally, people do weird things to
"get back" at their ex-lover, such as keeping their stuff. If
this happens and your things are very valuable or quite important to you, and they refuse to
return them within two weeks, let them know you'll be alerting authorities
unless they return the items within a week. If they do not return them
within this time, follow through and you'll likely get your things back.)
Otherwise, consider it the same as if a thief had stolen from you at
random. You'll get over it, regardless of what they keep. But
minimize all contact during the breakup.
5.
If you work or go to school with your ex, be cordial but let it go at
that. If they decide to be friends with you later, it should be the person
who was dumped to reach out and make that happen. If you were the dumper,
rather than dumpee, then you should reach out when you are comfortable that
you've moved on from the relationship and let them know you intend to be
friends, but I do not suggest doing this during the initial breakup period. I
once knew a woman who continued working her old job where her ex also worked.
She talked about how she was broken up "but not really out of it" for MONTHS
after the break-up. Years, in fact. If working together makes the situation
particularly difficult, I suggest finding a new place of employment. It will be
better in the long run for both of you.
6.
Remember to smile. Remember to pray. Remember that you will get through
your break-up and try to keep yourself happy. When you get down, look up - it raises the spirits. If you get bummed out,
work out. If you get stressed, play music, learn to paint, learn something new.
whatever, just don't sit there and stew in bad feelings.
7.
It is good if you can end up friends. If you can't figure that out within
one year, let it go. When you are comfortable, try to
reach out in a positive way, and at least let them know that you wish them
well. This is a positive way to reset closure in case the initial breakup
ended with resentments. It can also be helpful to forgive each other, and
to accept each other's offer of forgiveness. Forgiveness is important to
release anger, resentment, and negative bonding cords so that you may love again
in the future. Remember, show mercy. As you show mercy to others, so
it will be that mercy will be shown to you.
8. Don't surprise anybody.
If you're thinking about ending it, you ought to have had some
discussion about how the relationship isn't working for you. Don't just
one day, out of the blue, say "I'm done," and leave. That's not cool. Is
that how you'd want to be treated? If things aren't working, you ought
to have been communicating what hasn't worked for a period of MONTHS, or
certainly at least days. The break-up shouldn't come as a surprise.
9. Unlike in the movie,
"the Break-up" starring Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn, don't tell
your guy you want to break up, if in fact you really are just trying to
get him to notice and show appreciation for you. Breaking up is a
terminator. He likely will act as a guy who has been dumped rather than
more appreciative (as in the movie) and it will backfire on you,
big-time. I once had a girlfriend who did this with me. Finally, one
time, I said "enough" to her shenanigans and that was the end.
Now, there is also the
situation of being the dumpee, rather than the dumper. If this is you,
your situation is harder, because it may have been a surprise (if the
dumper didn't follow the guidelines I just gave).
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How
do you deal with being broken up with, when this is not what you want (you want
to stay together)?
1.
Let your partner know you understand their concerns. The only way to
resolve a disagreement is to FIRST agree with the other party. This is
true in this context, too. It is important to agree, and validate their
concerns/reasons for wanting to end the relationship.
2.
If they are mean, this should not be reinforced with positive response, however,
try not to respond in anger yourself. Remaining positive and mature
increases your chances of making up.
3.
Communicate that you would like to continue to date. If there are issues
to work on, commit to a program of success, complete with goals, timelines, and
objectives for success. Let them know that you still love them, even if
they do not want to date.
4.
Let them go, but let them know every week or so that you still think about
them. Try not to stalk them, do not force the issue, this will not help
your cause. Let them go and give them the respect of making their own
decisions.
5.
Remember to stay busy, keep focused on your own life goals, do things that make
you happy, and smile a lot. Sometimes, faking it until we make it
eventually works.
6.
Be kind, even if they were mean to you. As you show mercy, mercy will
be shown to you.
7.
Offer forgiveness of your anger and hurt. Forgiveness and love are the
pathway through hurt, resentment, and anger.
How
do you deal with being broken up with, and you know you should have ended it,
but you're just sorry/sad it is over, as you did love your partner?
1.
Be nice. Accept the breakup without fighting, criticizing, putting the
other down. Accept it and respect your partner's decision.
2.
If they put you down or tell you the things you did wrong, do not tell them your
own counter list. Just let it end, and remember the things that you
appreciated about them. Thank them for the good times, and let it go.
3.
Focus on your own life goals, your life purpose, your job, hobbies,
interests. This is the only type of revenge (meaning that of living well)
that you should consider. Live well, be happy, live your life the best you
can.
4.
Let them know that you accept the breakup and will move on, just as they
are. Try to signal an intent to be friends if you believe their friendship
would be worth having in your life, but let them know that you would prefer some
time go by before you make that a reality.
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How
can you thrive, and get over your ex, despite the breakup?
Here's
my suggestions:
1.
What did you learn? You can ONLY get over a breakup
if you learn from the experience. There is a
reason you chose to date this person, even if their behavior has let you
down. What did you learn from the relationship? How were you
responsible for the letdowns in your relationship? How were they
responsible? You must first acknowledge these things if you are to
remember what happened -- and hopefully not repeat the mistake(s) in the
future. You must also remember what went well. It is good to know
what you loved about your partner, and what they loved about you. These
things might hurt at first, but remembering what went right, and how you grew
together, is also beneficial. I suggest writing these things down, so that
you will have a record of what happened. Many people tend to reinvent the
past 6 months or 6 years down the road. If you only remember the good,
your chances of repeating past mistakes are higher. This record will keep
you honest with yourself.
2.
How do you feel? Get over a break up and heal your broken heart by giving
yourself permission to feel. It is ok to feel angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, or even
happy that you are no longer with your previous mate. Go ahead and
allow yourself to feel the way you do, and understand that you will naturally go
through a cycle process of hurt, anger, sadness, letting go, and
happiness. The cycle will end.
Begin
each day notating ways you can make a difference in the world and end each day
being gratitude for the opportunity to live. It might surprise you how
soon you will start recovering and begin to live again the way only you can
live. I have found prayer, family support, and clearing out old energy
(photos, letters, dust, blankets, clothes) all to be very helpful in getting
through the feelings.
3.
Gain closure. It really helps you deal with a break-up if you
actually give yourself a break. My brother says,
"pop a beer, say f*c! it! Then go on with your life." He also said I couldn't
put that on my website. But, hey, I'm the editor, so guess what?! So, get real
with yourself, okay? One way to gain closure is to write a letter expressing your
feelings, BUT DON'T SEND IT! (I can't say enough how damaging putting
negatives into writing can be -- it will hurt them much more to read it than it
will feel good for you to write it.) If you write out
a negative letter, I always suggest ALSO writing a POSITIVE letter, perhaps to
God or your inner Spirit/Higher Self, asking for what you DO want in a
relationship, for the love you DO want to find and believe you
deserve. Knowing what we want is a critical step in learning from
the relationship and preparing for future love. Writing the negative
and positive also helps us gain closure. Another approach to the letter
method of recovery is to write a letter to your ex and try writing all the ways
they let you down, and how you are sorry for whatever you did. Then write
a letter from your ex to you, as if they wrote it, apologizing for whatever you
said they did and thanking you for all that you did for them. Next, write
a letter back acknowledging that they had a right to their feelings and simply
letting them go with love. Don't send any of the letters (burn them once
you are satisfied with them). This three step letter process can help give
some closure to the situation. Forgiveness is key to your
recovery. Also, mercy. As you show kindness to others, kindness will
be shown to you. Forgive others and release expectation. As you do
this, you will find your heart open, with hope, to begin your new journeys into
new relationships.
3.
Who are you today? You must know who you are. You are not a
couple. Your life is not dependent upon being a couple. Break-ups
are easier when you can get your own life back on track. It never
was. And, falling in love can happen again. It is important to
realize that who we are is critical to how we are to move forward. Also,
it is important to recognize that we are so very unique. I emphasize this
because sometimes we lose sight on the fact that WE are the ONLY ONE who has our
way of seeing and doing life. Sure, there are other people we can relate
to, in terms of what we are going through, but I'm talking about our unique
gifts, traits, and skills, and joy we can bring to the world. This is a
NEW OPPORTUNITY to truly recognize and live according to our unique
individuality. This is the time to seize the opportunity (carpe diem!) and
get a fresh start on life.
4.
What is YOUR life purpose? What do you want
to do with your life? Answering this question is
huge to help you deal with your break-up. This is a great time for you to
re-focus, and make sure you are living your priorities and building the life of
your dreams. The art of living well is often over-looked. I could
tell you to throw yourself into your work, focus on you, you, you, like much of
the other self-help I've read on the topic of recovering from a breakup. The
best way to start feeling better about your self is to do something nice for
others. But if you don't know your PURPOSE then I strongly suggest you
purchase my e-workbook and audio program on
The Keys to Discovering Your
Purpose.
I prayed before I wrote anything in that program,
that it would help the reader and listener be able to discover what their higher
purpose is and how to best live according to that aim. I'll guarantee it works
or give you your money back. I've researched the books out there, and you won't
find a better one on the market. I know, shameless marketing plug. But, hey, you
got this far, so you clearly care about what I think and feel is a good idea for
you to handle a break-up. If you died today, would you look back and say you
wish you'd lived more for yourself? I doubt it. Most people wish they'd
done more for others, spent more time with friends and family, pursued that
dream they let pass by. If you are one of those people who wishes they'd done
more of THEIR dreams and lived more of THEIR life, like I was after my own
divorce, I'd recommend you dig into your true
life purpose with a workbook tool
and audio to reinforce it and LOOK at the ROOTS of who you really are. Look
at this breakup as the perfect opportunity to reach for your aspirations.
Go for your dreams. Make them real. Love more, and be happy with who
you are! Reach out to people, take chances, be who you want to be:
loving, kind, powerful, sexy, smart, and fun.
The
world is full of opportunity for you to express yourself exactly the way you
want to. Enjoy and make the most of your unique gift of life, let people
know you believe in love, and take the time to heal. Eventually, you will
meet someone who you will love and more than likely you will look back at this
time as when you laid the foundations of a future you truly deserve. Best of
success to you!
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
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