I believe most relationships will have an occasional argument
about something - either finances, how someone said something, hurt feelings, or
whatever. How people argue determines whether the argument is
healthy. Not what, when, or why they argue, but HOW they argue.
Many arguments start where one person
communicates in a fuzzy or unclear manner, which leads the other person to
feel disrespected or hurt. The hurt person raises their voice, the other
matches, perhaps adding something else that triggers a deeper reaction, until both
people are yelling at each other.
This happens because of several things. First, one person
fails to take the time to communicate clearly with the other. Second,
blame might be assigned to one party by the other "you do this, why do you
do this, etc." which causes the other person to become defensive.
Third, once both people have established that they're in an argumentative
stance, it is common to want to be right.
The need to be right causes significant challenges in resolving
the argument. And, if someone uses absolute terms (always, everything,
totally, etc.) in their positioning statements, the argument may escalate or
perhaps get unresolved. And, God forbid,
if we sling stones of harsh words at each other, we're only going to end up hurt,
exhausted, and wondering why we're in this relationship.
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The key is to catch ourselves, midstream, and stop. Take a deep
breath. Ask "will this be important a year from now?" (The triggers that
start most arguments ARE USUALLY NOT about something that will be important even
a week later -- our emotions emphasize the "importance" of the
argument). Ask ourselves if we're just trying to be
"right." It is human nature to think we are always right (or
often right). But being right while arguing will not resolve the fight.
In fact, the only way to resolve an argument is to both admit we are not
always right and, perhaps, through attempting real empathy -- seeing through the other person's eyes or
walking in their shoes -- can we understand that the argument may be resolved
simply through softening our approach and seeing how we can work together to
resolve the situation.
No name calling, no disrespecting, no mudslinging. Just kind, loving,
conversation. This CAN be done. And, by taking a breath and relaxing
our muscles and giving up the need to be right, we CAN resolve arguments quickly
and easily.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
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