You may be thinking,
"yeah, but he doesn't know this relationship." Wait - yes, I've had some
challenging relationships (and several really loving ones, too!)... and
I know it won't solve everything; that is, if you don't listen and act
upon the information you learn.
THE PROBLEM: Some people are both so stubborn that "making up" doesn't happen until after a day or two of criticism,
anger/frustration,
defensiveness, and stonewalling. We know that
miscommunication can lead to criticism and defensiveness. We also know
that criticism and defensiveness do little to resolve
arguments and build love. In fact, the initial problem may become aggravated,
further creating anger, frustration, and resentment, which leads to one or both
parties distancing and trust is damaged.
Obviously,
miscommunication and escalation of this nature cause deep challenges to maintain
that "loving feeling" in a relationship.
WHAT
CAN WE DO TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM?
First,
we need to learn to recognize the MOMENT we are getting upset. At the
moment, both parties must be 100% committed to the relationship FIRST, their
upset issue SECOND. This is key to resolving the problem. If we pull
our ego or hurt feelings out of the situation (and, thus, remove the
absolute/assumption) and give opportunity for benefit of doubt we then offer
other ways to let our partner off the hook.
Okay, time for a REALITY
CHECK: If you aren't letting your partner off the hook, so to speak,
then you aren't really committed to building more love in your
relationship.
When
the moment of feeling "upset" occurs, whoever is getting upset needs to ask a Clarification
Question, to offer the other a chance to clear the air about the assumption and
give benefit of the doubt. The Clarification Question enables the first
person to be heard and other person a chance to clarify without getting reacted
to harshly (criticism, etc.).
In
most relationships, either person may be the one who needs to ask the
clarification question. No matter who is upset, it can be valuable for
either party to ask the question.
EXAMPLES
OF CLARIFICATION QUESTIONS
The
clarification question might be:
"I'm
feeling upset by what you just said. Did you just mean ... (understood
meaning) by
that?"
or
"It
seems you are angry about something. Can you share what it is that is
really troubling you here?"
This question offers a chance to clarify the
reason for anger. The
question enables the person to then explain and possibly diffuse the negative
feeling up front, rather than have it escalate into conflict, and by using this
question you may therefore nip the potential fight in the bud and turn a
thorn into a rose.
More
examples of clarification questions include:
"Why
did you just do... (action)? I'm taking this to mean ... (feeling). How
did you intend for me to take that?" This question enables
clarification to occur.
and
"You
know, what you just said seemed odd to me. Did you just mean ... (implied
meaning) or am I
reading into this?" This statement offers benefit of the doubt and allows
us not to assume. You know what they say about assuming (assuming makes
an ass-out of-u-and-me!) So, use this question to understand real
meaning rather than assuming what someone meant. After all, we're not
always mind readers.
If
the clarification negated the feelings and clarified the situation, then you
resolved your situation without conflict, congratulations -- mission
accomplished!
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relationships?
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THE
EXTRA STEP:
If
the clarification CONFIRMED the feeling of anger or conflict, then perhaps a
follow-up question could further help diffuse the situation, such
as:
"How
did you mean that? I feel this ... (feeling) when you say ... (comment
that created feeling).
Are you certain you really mean ... (state comment's intention) or is there another way
you'd prefer putting that?"
This
extra step gives an additional opportunity to diffuse misunderstanding before it
occurs. Why not take the extra step and help our communication improve in
our relationships?
WHAT
THIS WILL DO FOR YOUR COMMUNICATION:
What
we want to do is avoid going into defensiveness through assumption.
Defensiveness and criticism lead to anger and frustration. Anger and
frustration lead to flooding and withdrawal or stonewalling. Withdrawal
and flooding both end up causing distance in our relationships, mostly due to
hurt feelings or not feeling heard. Learning how to stop doing those
destructive behaviors enables us to replace those with love through clarifying
when we are upset.
In
the instance the clarification question missed solving the problem, read our
article "How to Make Up"
to get further assistance.
Avoiding
assumptions will go miles to helping us create the loving relationships we seek.
Using the Clarification Question can be an effective tool to enable us to
quickly resolve assumptions and maintain the trust in our relationship.
Please
note: the author of this article may not be certified as a
licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your
situation dictates.
