First, it is important to know what is valuable in our relationship.  Just as we have personal values, we tend to define a set of shared values in relationships, too.  The exercise in the AspireNow article "Mapping Goals to Values" can be useful as an exercise for relationships, too.   Try writing down five values you and your mate share.  Consider then, what you both are striving for in the relationship.

The values might be a concept, such as intimacy, or to be more loving.  A relationship value may be something such as better health.  Or, honesty.  Whatever it is, feel free to make a list of your values.  I think it is important to do this individually, then together.  When we share our lists, it is often quite an eye-opener on whether we are actually on track with our values or not.  I did a similar exercise with my ex-wife right before our divorce.  The exercise was one where you would rank each other's needs, using the same list, in an order of 1 to 10.  Although I had her pegged on 8 out of 10, exactly, she MISSED mine on 7 out of 10!  No wonder we were heading for divorce!  

Just because you see your values differently does not mean your relationship is on the rocks; however, understanding how your thoughts and values differ may help build more common ground between you and resolve differences in a sane and calm manner, versus in a fight about some other issue (then wrestling with symptoms instead of problems).

Write down the list of values, on one side of a sheet of paper, then on the other side, write down goals.  Now, when you dream together, or determine what you want together, it will become a joint effort - rather than a push-me, pull-you struggle.  

Do you have a question relating to setting relationships goals?

If you find that you want to do something new with your partner, you will now have a reference point to work from, to build continuity.  The list of shared goals/values can also help resolve conflicts with activities you currently partake in.  For example, if an activity you do together isn't something you really want to do, perhaps you could replace it with one you do.  Most relationships have some compromise on shared activities, and everyone needs their own personal space from time-to-time; however, it is important to do what we love, if possible, if we want to be happy.  

Once you have determined your list of shared values, then you can truly map where you are going as a couple.  The goals you have, when based upon your values, can be quite useful in continuing to maintain parallel paths in your love life.

Is it fair to create goals around a relationship? Or is it more real to just live in the moment?

It is good to create goals. It is also good to talk about what we want. The area where people get in trouble is when they set relationship goals WITHOUT discussing them first with their partner.

What results is a shift of balance due to false expectations. When expectations are out of balance, a relationship can shift out of balance. So, be careful that you create your relationship goals WITH your partner, so that you're creating shared expectation and maintaining proper balance for your relationship.

When you have shared direction in your relationships is when your relationships can mature and grow together. And with that growth it is logical that love will build over time.

Please note: This article is intended for entertainment purpose only. The author of this article may not be certified as a licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your situation dictates.